Tuesday 18 June 2013

Life goes on...

I always try and steer myself away from writing depressing, self-pity posts (even when it gets really rough) but I'm not going to lie...infertility sucks. BFN's suck. IVF is hard. Not being pregnant is harder. The rollercoaster of emotions is a hugely unpleasant ride and I find it difficult to remember the time before all of this when life was simple. When looking forward to an event or party was the biggest thing happening in my life. I find myself wondering what I even did before we started trying to conceive? What did I like doing? What made me the happiest? I've always been a person with big goals and plans and it is so frustrating waiting, waiting, waiting.....This whole process is by far the hardest thing I've experienced yet I know that there are so many people experiencing far worse. People that would love to have my life. I hate to be ungrateful and so I make a concious effort to remind myself how lucky I am to have a job, a house, a husband, and food on the table. It would be so great to know for sure that we will definitely have children so we can get off the "what if" train and just enjoy life while we wait as the uncertainty is a killer! But life has to go on and so we are both focusing on being healthy and doing whatever we can to try and make the next IVF a success. Best of luck to any of you out there who are trying to conceive no matter how far you are into the journey.

Friday 7 June 2013

Beta result IVF#1

It's officially a BFN. I had my BETA blood test this morning and received the results over the phone just before 5pm. I've teared up a few times reading text messages from close friends and family but otherwise I've resisted letting myself get too depressed. I'm trying to be positive and look forward to the next cycle- which should be around August/September. I've a long hot bath and eaten heaps of chocolate to make myself feel a little better and as I write this I have to say I don't feel as bad as I did earlier in the week after my negative home pregnancy test. That may change as I see pregnant women over the next few days and weeks but I'm really going to focus on being healthy and happy in preparation for IVF#2. Infertility sucks but it definitely won't beat me...

Tuesday 4 June 2013

11dp2dt BFN :(

Today is 11 days past our 2 day embryo transfer (11dp2dt). I have had no urge to test until this morning.  I woke hot and sweaty in the middle of the night and felt I just had to do a test to stop the constant back-and-forth in my mind of whether the cycle had worked. I had not felt positive since the transfer and felt even less hopeful when none of our three remaining embryos lasted past the 4-cell stage. I didn't cry when I saw the BFN. I haven't cried all day. I have tried to understand what emotion I am actually feeling and although anger, sadness, confusion, fear, jealousy and hopelessness are all swirling around I have decided that in the end I just feel tired...so so tired....and empty. This process is so long. I hope I look back one day and it all feels like it flew by but right now I feel like time is passing at a snails pace for us while everyone else whizzes right past. I want to press pause on all the people with kids or pregnancies and yell "STOP!. WAIT FOR ME TO CATCH UP!!!!". I am worried my body rejected the embryo as I had felt quite tender in the breasts until my fever-like symptoms last night. I keep racing through the possible reasons for a failed cycle but right now I just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep...