tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11304319931379850782024-02-19T17:41:55.929-08:00Trying to conceive a family...Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.comBlogger86125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-67404494210415293812015-07-18T02:51:00.001-07:002015-07-18T02:51:28.239-07:00She's here...I have a daughter.<br />
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I am a mummy.<br />
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No words can describe the significance of these two sentences.<br />
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All I can say is...it was worth it. It was worth everything. And, I love her.<br />
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For those still on your journey I think of you all the time. I'm so sorry you are still waiting...and trying...and crying. I've been there and I will never forget it.<br />
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This will be my last blog post. I hope my words can offer something to someone out there in the big wide world who is looking for information that will help them on their infertility journey. I know I often sought comfort from the words of others online when those around me couldn't understand, or help.<br />
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Best of luck whoever you are. I hope you get everything you've dreamed of...because dreams can come true. I'm staring at mine right now.Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-905485021686428192015-04-20T01:46:00.000-07:002015-04-20T02:15:45.986-07:002 months to go!I'm still here I promise. As I type I'm getting some very strong kicks from bubs and as uncomfortable as some of them are I love, love, love the reassurance that everything is still going ok. I feel like it has been so long since my BFP and I just hope the next few months flies by and our little baby is here safe and sound before too long. I still live in fear that something will go wrong but I think that is just infertility brain.<br />
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There have been some challenging moments emotionally over the last few months as I contine to process having a child that is not genetically half mine and half my husbands. I hate to admit it and wish I didn't have those thoughts but sometimes I still feel sad that 'normal' IVF didn't work and I won't know the feeling of looking into eyes that resemble my own.. I don't know if that sounds narcisstic but I do have pangs of grief that I have to work through and that sometimes bring about negative responses that I wish I didn't display. I think it's a work in process and I know once the baby is here I will love it more than anything- I already do. </div>
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So now I'm just focusing on getting through the last trimester as healthy and prepared as I can. I know that once the baby is born it will be a new and different world and I hope it is as great as I imagine. It's been 4 years since I started this journey with my husband and to see the finish line finally in sight is both scary and exciting (scary only because I worry something will take us right back to the start). I hope everything goes well :)</div>
Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-74110950789814251882015-01-18T02:13:00.003-08:002015-01-18T02:13:45.407-08:00Starting to relaxI'm so sorry for the long absence. I'm not sure whether it's infertility guilt (i.e. feeling bad about having success when others haven't), anxiety that I'll jinx everything, or just feeling worried that I can't share as much because too much detail will make it difficult to stay anonymous in the significantly smaller egg donor community. It's probably all three.<br />
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I'm thrilled to say that I have not had any further bleeding and that the 12 week scan couldn't have gone better. The first trimester seemed to drag on so slowly and I thought that first important ultrasound would never arrive. I was so unbelievably nervous beforehand but the image of our little one moving around was such a massive relief I can't even describe it.<br />
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I've slowly started to relax as the days and weeks have gone by and I can't believe it won't be too long before I'm halfway! My belly has started to show in the last few weeks and I love it. In the many months/years of infertility I'd often push my stomach out or put something up my top to imagine being pregnant and it is so nice to not have to pretend anymore. I find that a lot now. I used to walk past the baby or maternity section of certain shops and feel somewhat self-conscious if someone caught me browsing, I find I can now actually look in these sections without worrying that someone will "bust" me.<br />
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I still can't say things like "when the baby arrives..." and instead still say "if we get that far...". I think that's infertility brain and just knowing that things don't always work out that way you think, or the way you want to.<br />
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It's been so nice to have people react so emotionally when they've found out we are expecting. I could be quite bitter at times in the past few years; not thinking that others really understood what we were going through. While I know that they will probably never get fully get it the fact that they are so obviously happy for us helps me feel like they really were rooting for us and maybe just didn't quite know how to show it at the time. I wanted to share that as I know for those of you still on your IF journey that it can be an isolating time and that you can feel like others just don't care. I love the fact that the pizza guy ran out after our dinner to wish us congratulations jand that many of our extended friends have been tearful when we've told them. I think I was most surprised by these reactions as my the reaction from my own family was much more low key. My mum simply said "oh that's lovely- I'll make sure I keep it under my hat", and my dad just said a few simple words of congratulations which I would have secretly liked to have a bit more enthusiasm. I'm learning to just deal with this and realise that is just who they are...<br />
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So for now I'm just enjoying getting closer each day. We have regular contact with our donor- which is very important- and it's great to share the milestones with her. I hope everything continues to go smoothly and we have a healthy baby by the middle of the year :)<br />
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<br />Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-28337285183723818682014-11-21T14:38:00.000-08:002014-11-21T14:38:54.003-08:00The first trimester (after IF)I'm sorry I've been such a terrible blogger. It's been a very busy month or so but even when I've had moments to spare I've logged onto my blog and just not know what to write...<br />
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Where do I start? I have had a few bleeds since my initial one in the two week wait and have basically been spotting the whole month. It has been pretty stressful but luckily everything seems to be ok and we had a heartbeat confirmed at 8 weeks- nice and strong at 164 beats per minute. The baby is growing on track and we are counting down the days to the next scan where hopefully everything will be ok. I suppose I've been reluctant to blog because I'm worried my nervousness about something going wrong will come across as a lack of excitement about this pregnancy. I don't want people to feel I'm ungrateful for being lucky enough to get a BFP but know any post will be untruthful if I do not explain how I'm feeling. The few people who know keep asking "Are you excited?" and the honest answer is: "A little...but mostly I'm petrified something will go wrong". People who have not experienced infertility and have had normal pregnancies don't know what it feels like to be in the minority. But I do. I was in the 5% of people that didn't get pregnant in the first 12 months of trying and then the smaller minority that IVF didn't work for either. I'm used to hearing bad news and hate the fact that this means I can't just relax and expect that it will all be ok. I wish I could just enjoy being pregnant but the moments when I do start to think about actually holding a baby and being a parent my brain shuts these thoughts down and reminds me to prepare for the fact that something could still go wrong.<br />
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I never thought I was a pessimist but maybe I am...maybe this process has changed me? I know it sounds silly but I can't really remember what I was like before all this IF stuff. I know over the last few years in particular I've hated it when people said "think positively". What does that mean? I can't relate to being blindly optimistic and am more comfortable doing everything in my power to make sure everything goes well and then preparing for bad news just in case. I don't know whether that makes me sad or not but I suppose I've never been one to fake feelings or kid myself either. Shit happens and I'm definitely not immune.<br />
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I apologise for being so doom and gloom and hope I didn't upset anyone still trying for a baby that would love to be in my shoes. Trust me when I say I am so, so grateful to be pregnant and if everything looks good after the 12 week scan I know I'll start to relax a little more and feel more excited as the weeks pass. I am very much looking forward to growing a bump and having the reassurance of physical changes to ease my mind.<br />
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I'll probably wait to blog again after we have the next ultrasound as I would love to come back with good news rather than my ongoing worries. Thank you to everyone who comments for your ongoing support. I really appreciate it xoxoTrying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-42779251031855721082014-10-18T15:54:00.000-07:002014-10-18T15:57:44.607-07:00Finally- our BFP!!!Wow, wow, wow!!!<br />
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We are officially pregnant!!!!<br />
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I still can't quite believe it, and am quite scared that it will only be temporary. I'm not used to good news so it has been tricky to get my head around the fact that this could be it. We could actually have a baby in 8 months. I thought we were out of the running after experience some bleeding but after an increase in progesterone this has stopped and the lines on the home pregnancy test continued to get darker. Our beta has more than doubled in 48 hours and everything is now riding on the first ultrasound in a few weeks. I am terrified that the scan will give us bad news but I'm trying to stay positive.<br />
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Yesterday I looked through some of the baby items I've had in storage for the last few years and for the first time felt excitement rather than sadness and longing. I haven't looked at these items for quite a while and the thought that I might be able to finally use them makes my heart glow.<br />
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I know there is still a long road ahead of us but I am just so thrilled to make it this far and to know that my body can actually get pregnant.<br />
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Thank you so much for the people who pop by this blog and a special thanks to those who leave comments. It's a big support.<br />
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***I apologise for being a bit vague with specifics but as I said in an earlier post I am aware of trying to keep this blog anonymous and so am trying to keep identifying details out***<br />
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<br />Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-31780934888248240212014-10-10T21:57:00.001-07:002014-10-10T21:57:14.165-07:00Blastocyst on board!!!Wow, wow, wow!!! I have a 5 day embryo in my belly!!! I hope it's settling in nicely and continuing to grow and implant soon. In addition to our little embie on board we have more blasts on ice as well!!! This doesn't happen to us. This whole donor cycle has gone so positively that I'm having difficulty believing our good luck could possibly continue...I can't bring myself to believe we could have a positive beta on top of all this.<br />
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I've taken it easy since transfer and have basically been reading, watching TV and catching up with a few family and friends when I feel like a break in routine. I decided not to go to work straight away this time and have organised for five days at home :) It's been lovely and I've taken the time to try and talk with my little embryo and focus on it making a nice little home in my lining. This afternoon I wandered around our garden in the sun giving my tummy a little rub every now and then while I willed it to stay. I'm not sure whether it is because of the egg donor side of this cycle but I want to form a bond early on...knowing full well that things may not turn out so great but wanting to do whatever I can to help this precious little one stay around.<br />
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I wonder if I can do it. Does my body actually know how to be pregnant? I have given it all the ingredients and done everything to prepare it for transfer but will it actually be able to grow a little human being?<br />
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I hope so :)<br />
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<br />Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-62207193966440868322014-10-04T16:08:00.001-07:002014-10-04T16:08:37.974-07:00I love them alreadyWell I've been a little quiet in the lead up to our cycle. It's been a worrying time but I am relieved that we have successfully gone through egg retrieval and have more than 10 embryos successfully fertilise. Our egg donor was simply amazing. Anybody who has gone through a stim cycle and egg retreival knows just how uncomfortable it is, and I'm in awe of the fact that she would do this for nothing more than the opportunity to make our dreams come true. I've said it before but I know this journey has made me reassess everything and has hopefully changed me for the better as a person- especially for knowing such beautiful and selfless people like our egg donor.<br />
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We are still not out of the woods yet obviously. Hopefully our embryos continue to grow and divide and we will have some precious blastocysts to transfer/freeze. I love these embryos already and feel just as excited about the thought that our future child/ren could be in their first stages of life as I would if the embryos were from one of our own egg retrievals.<br />
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I feel different in a good way this cycle. I know that everything could change in a heart-beat but I feel more hope than I have in a long time. I'm thinking of baby things again and picturing my husband and I with a family. For a period of time there these thoughts felt like dark and blurry images that were too far for me to reach...now they seem close enough to touch.<br />
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Please, please, please let this be it...<br />
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<br />Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-91478051808491678342014-09-14T03:29:00.000-07:002014-09-14T04:08:00.388-07:00Wondering where the chips will fall this time...As always my head is a bundle of thoughts and emotions as we edge closer to our egg donor pick up: "Please let this be it... I don't know what will happen if this doesn't work...I feel like I don't have much left in the tank, and I'm worried about what will happen once I'm running on empty...I don't really even feel likely living sometimes-just existing...please, please let this work...etc"<br />
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In addition to my worries I have a huge ball of suppressed hope and excitement bubbling away inside as well. It is definitely not the dominant presence as my protective shield is super-strong and likes to push aside these 'risky'' positive thoughts. My brain is definitely screwed up from infertility.<br />
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It's strange when you're not actually growing the eggs anymore. I usually feel guilty about eating chocolate, fried food and sugar because of fears that it will effect my egg quality. Now that I won't be using my own eggs I am less strict with my diet. You would think that I would be enjoying the freedom of eating what I feel like but for some reason it makes me feel sad sometimes that it doesn't matter anymore. I think it all makes me feel sad sometimes to be honest.<br />
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Now I don't want everyone to think I'm just crying in the corner each day and <span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">moping around thinking "poor me". I sometimes go to delete the things I've written on this blog for fear that it will just be seen as a heap of negative dribble, but I stop myself as I know it's cathartic to get those feelings out somewhere. I am still happy (or not sad) for the most part and the egg donor process has touched me more than any other experience in my life so far. There are so many wonderful people I have met and the selflessness of my donor and her family is just beyond heart-warming. The fact that someone feels that my husband and I are special enough to be given such a precious gift is something that brings tears to my eyes as I type this. I genuinely feel lucky to have been able to experience this <span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.292969);">process- as hard as it is at times.</span></span><br />
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<div style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(175, 192, 227, 0.230469); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(77, 128, 180, 0.230469); -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875);">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">In preparation for transfer</span><span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 24px;"> I have had a couple of appointments with a naturopath/Bowen therapist. I expected some sort of massage combined with general feedback on my health but I did not expect the intensity of the experience. The treatment was excruciating and she told me that I had the worst hips she'd seen in 20 years. She said my lower abdomen lacked</span><span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 24px;"> blood flow (all three acupuncturists I have seen said my belly was "stagnant") and worked hard over the two sessions to get everything "unlocked". I'm not going to lie- I cried...a lot. It was so, so painful as she pushed and flicked and rubbed my muscles and tendons. I had to ask her to stop at times but I didn't want to cancel the appointment in case she was the one person who could actually help me. In moments where I was able to actually open my eyes I could see the therapists dog being very amorous with a soft pillow...I could only laugh inside at how ridiculous it all was. Me crying and puffing like I was in labour, the therapist chatting away like I was lying calmly on the table and the dog humping a pillow in the corner. </span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 24px;">I was bruised and battered after the first session but being the sucker for punishment I am I booked in for another session. This session involved slightly less crying and puffing but I was shocked when after some pulling and manipulation of my legs a large CRACK in my hips was heard. The therapist immediately teared up and apologised for her reaction; saying that she felt it was all going to be ok for me now as everything had "opened up". She kept working on me for a while before asking if I believed in "guides". I knew she meant spiritual guides and answered "not really". She then went on to tell me that she is not psychic but had to tell me that she felt a strong presence of a baby boy. She explained that she had only had the same experience two other times in her career and the person had become pregnant shortly after. I didn't really know what to think...I wanted to believe she was right but my inner skeptic also stopped me from getting too hopeful. I have been given different predictions before and they had not eventuated so I tried to take her comments with a grain of salt and felt grateful for her desire to pass on whatever she felt. </span><br />
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<span style="-webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 24px;">So...it's nearly time. As always we are hoping it goes well but know we just have to see where the chips lie..</span></div>
Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-63042910831564574622014-09-02T01:22:00.001-07:002014-09-02T01:43:58.376-07:00Ready to start our egg donor cycle :)I've been a bit quiet on the blogging front. I feel more hesitant to voice my feelings and experiences now that we have an egg donor involved as this is no longer a personal journey but one that is shared. I haven't told our donor about the blog as I hope the fact that I'm anonymous will hopefully mean that this just remains my online diary of sorts. I have been blown away by the generosity of her and her partner to go through the appointments and sacrifices needed to do an IVF cycle altruistically for someone they didn't even know a few months ago. They are wonderful people and we just feel so lucky. The experience has been extremely positive overall- other than some nervousness at the start- and I really had nothing to worry about.<br />
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So we are now officially cycling in a few weeks. I've been on the pill and will 'down regulate' with synarel at the same time as my donor. Then when blood tests show that we have both 'down regd' she will stim and I will prepare my body in much the same way as a FET. I will still be on my NK cell treatment of intralipids, dexamethasone, clexane and aspirin.<br />
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I have to say I was expecting something to go wrong...waiting for the doctor to tell us it couldn't happen or that we would have to jump through more hoops or wait a few more months, but surprisingly everything went relatively smoothly. I still can't quite believe it's happening and it probably won't be until egg retrieval that I will start to feel excited :)<br />
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I have a good feeling about this...I don't usually say that (or feel that) but for some reason I just see this happening. Hopefully I'm right :)Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-6003216027949237672014-08-14T23:58:00.001-07:002014-09-13T16:27:12.576-07:00GeneticsWell time has been passing slowly but we are now hopefully just a month away from cycling with our egg donor. We have nearly finished the mandatory counselling sessions and if my doctor is happy with everything we will be able to cycle straight away. We have met our wonderful donor and her family and it was such a positive experience. Her generosity and desire to help others makes me want to be a better person. No matter what happens I know we'll be better people for having met such a selfless person and beautiful family.<br />
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I've been struggling with knowing who to tell about using an egg donor. We became so open with our IVF journey but I'm not sure if I want to tell people about our egg donor just yet. I'm definitely not ashamed- far from it- but instead I just don't think I can deal with having to tell people if it doesn't work. That is my biggest worry- that this won't work and we'll have to look at other options. For once I'm trying not to think that far ahead and I'm just focusing on hoping, hoping, hoping we take home a baby/babies in the next year or so.<br />
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It is funny how comfortable I actually feel about the whole process of having an egg donor now. The earlier gut-wrenching grief I experienced over the loss of the dream of a biological child has reduced significantly. It will probably always be with me to some degree but it definitely doesn't upset me anymore...it's more of a sad feeling tucked away that I become aware of sometimes.<br />
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In a bitter-sweet way I've come to realise that genetics isn't everything. My own family has definitely not been my biggest support through this whole process and as hard as that is to process sometimes it has also made me more aware that relationships are more than blood and genes. Connection with others is not dependent on whether a person shares some of your DNA but instead about how you make that person feel and how they make you feel. I know if I'm lucky enough to be a mother that I'll do whatever I can to have a positive, loving and supportive relationship with my child in the hope that our connection is just as strong as anyone who has a child/parent that shares a genetic link.<br />
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I have to admit I'm not in a good place in regards to my relationship with my own parents and siblings. I hate to feel so bitter...but I do. I would feel awful if they knew it but I just don't really want to spend time with them any more. If we are successful at getting pregnant will I be able to forget that they have barely spoken to me about this whole process even after I have explicitly asked them for more support? Will I be able to play 'happy families' and just pretend that I don't care that they ignored me during my darkest periods only to re-emerge (as I predict) if things go well? I do feel awful for these feelings and try to tell myself that I do love my family members and I don't want to regret anything, and so I make the effort to sound cheery when I do speak to them or see them every now and then. We've become masters of extended small talk on these occasions and it makes me sad.<br />
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Sometimes I read the blogs of other people going through infertility and I feel there is so much more positivity on their pages. I want to write happy blog posts but to be honest I'm so sick of pretending in real life that I can't be bothered doing it online as well.<br />
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Having said that my ray of sunshine is always my beautiful husband and the special people (including my egg donor) who we have met along the way and whom we would never have known if not for our IF journey.<br />
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To quote a great movie: "It can't rain all the time".<br />
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So now we are just waiting for the rain to stop...Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-76688733961373744052014-07-24T23:28:00.000-07:002014-07-24T23:37:20.889-07:00Slowly getting closer...Well it's nearly the end of the month. On August 1st we have our first counselling session and with any luck we will be able to start cycling 3-4 weeks later. I have already started taking the pill and luckily our last counselling session and FS appointment falls around the middle of our donors monthly cycle so we should both be able to start synarel or lucrin sholy after. I imagine I'll come off the pill just before she is due to start her period so that we can be in sync. The I just imagine it's rather like a FET cycle where I take something to boost my lining and then my regular NK cell treatment of intralipids, steroids and clexane followed by the progesterone support after transfer.<br />
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I hope we make it to transfer. I hope everything goes to plan. I'm trying to push the alternatives out of my head because I just don't have the energy. At the moment my husband and I are just trying to be reasonably healthy and save as much money as we can. Donor cycles aren't cheap and we are hoping to get a decent tax return to help provide a bit of a buffer to our already bruised and battered savings.<br />
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I feel like I'm just going through the motions; work, exercise, eat, clean, TV, sleep, repeat. I want to be doing exciting things in my head but my bank account, common sense and- if I'm honest- my desire to do anything where I have to talk to people means that I'm just existing as I count down the days to this next cycle.<br />
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It has hit home recently that friends are having their second babies. I am not as happy for them as I would like to think I should be. I'm just not. I'm over it. One of my close friends fell pregnant straight away recently and doesn't even seem excited. Even though her and her husband had started trying she said she cried when she saw the positive pregnancy test and cried during the doctors appointnment. Of course she told this all to me like I wanted to hear it (WTF!) and I had to act interested and sympathetic when all I wanted to do was put the phone down and not talk to her again for at least 9 months.<br />
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Ok, ok enough of the whinge. I do want people to know I feel very, very grateful for our wonderful donor and I promise I'm not being all 'woe is me'. Sometimes once I start writing on this blog all my thoughts and feelings start coming out and I have to stop myself from turning my posts into an online pity party.<br />
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So how should I end this...life is hard but I'm luckier than so many others. I know I'll reach my goal- even if I'm a different person in the end. Hopefully a better one :)Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-10092945510766320332014-07-09T00:23:00.000-07:002014-07-09T00:23:06.266-07:00Moving ahead with egg donationWell it's been a crazy month or so. We have been getting to know our egg donor and her family a lot more through messages and Skype sessions, and plan to fly interstate to visit them all in a few weeks. We also start mandatory counselling sessions next month and will hopefully be on track for a cycle in September or October!<br />
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When we started this process I thought that the ideal situation would be to have a known donor who was happy to have regular updates (e.g. emails, messages) but our donor is such a lovely person and seems keen to have a close connection that I am happy to follow her lead and get to know each other better. I know that our egg donor will not want to be over-involved in our lives and I feel lucky to have made a close connection with such a generous and selfless person.<br />
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My main concern at this stage is obviously that this won't work and we'll have to go back to the drawing board. My second concern is that we'll be successful once and then won't be able to use the same donor again. If we're lucky enough to get one embryo to transfer and then some frozen we have no idea if these frozen embryos will work when we want to transfer them down the track. There are so many possible scenarios running through my head but I suppose that is what the counselling is for. The good thing it that my husband and I seem to be on the same page about most things and are not second-guessing our decision.<br />
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I have to say it has been quite a relief to be able to do things that I would have avoided when cycling. I've had a few weekend wines, not felt as guilty about having chocolate, enjoyed long hot baths and in general feel less like infertility is dominating every decision of my life. I feel relaxed and content- although knowing my journey so far I know those feeling are likely to be temporary.<br />
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So we wait (ahh the waiting) and hope (yep I know that one too) and just see where this takes us :)Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-41897799078846150042014-07-07T19:00:00.002-07:002014-07-07T19:01:11.265-07:00Cancer awareness and preventionRecently a reader of my blog made a request for me to write a post raising awareness of mesothelioma (a rare and deadly cancer typically caused by exposure to asbestos). I wanted to help but it made me think of all the other cancers that had touched my life and how I could use my platform as a blogger to also draw awareness to these serious health issues as well. My father and grandfather have had skin cancer, my husband's father died of renal/liver cancer, my sister's sister-in-law is currently battling cervical cancer, and my husband's uncle is receiving treatment for bowel cancer.<br />
<br />
So what can I do as a blogger? I believe my role can be to remind and encourage people to not put their health at the bottom of the 'to do' list. To do what they can to reduce their risk of developing these cancers in the first place, and to ensure they regularly monitor their bodies for changes and check with a medical professional when there is anything that concerns them. <br />
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My husband had a spot on his ear that I didn't like the look of but he didn't feel it was necessary to go to the doctors to have it checked out. After many, many months of nagging he had to go to the doctor for something else and I urged him to get the doctor to have a look at this spot. The doctor ended up referring him to a skin specialist who removed the spot because it was 'pre-cancerous'. I myself had to go to the doctor's last week and thought while I was there I would have a pap-smear as well. It was the knowledge of my sister's sister-in-law's cervical cancer that made me do it as I may have put it off otherwise. Obviously I would recommend that people get anything that concerns them checked out but I think it is also a good idea to use doctor's appointments for general check-ups of the whole body. Get spots on your skin checked, ask for a pap-smear, find out how to do a breast examination, enquire about a persistent cough, and don't feel embarrassed to find out if your bowel movements are normal. Cancer is not something that happens to other people. It can happen to you and you should ask questions if you are concerned about anything.<br />
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To help reduce your risk of certain cancers avoid exposure to asbestos and other carcinogenic products, protect your skin from the sun, eat a healthy diet, exercise, stop smoking, limit alcohol intake, and <u>have regular health checks.</u><br />
<u></u><br />
Obviously I'm not a doctor but if I've made one person think about their health and the health of those around them then this post will be worthwhile.<br />
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In tribute to the lady who prompted this post. Please go to the website <a href="http://www.mesothelioma.com/">www.mesothelioma.com/</a> for more information on a lesser known but preventable cancer. <br />
<u></u><br />
<br />Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-46741497237334088812014-06-22T01:26:00.001-07:002014-06-22T01:26:57.024-07:00A new path: egg donationWell where do I start...<br />
<br />
The past few weeks have been full of so many emotions and new experiences. I am still trying to process the grief of knowing that we will no longer try to conceive with my own eggs while starting a whole new journey towards egg donation. This is not something that we've only just decided on but that we knew we would pursue if this most recent cycle failed. I've done a lot of research over the last few months and did a lot of groundwork in preparation for the egg donor option if we needed to go down this path.<br />
<br />
We wanted our last IVF cycle to work so much. There was so much riding on it but knew deep down it was a long shot. Surprisingly I am getting through the days OK. I am grieving but I am also focused on our underlying goal all along- to have a family. We feel that after looking at all our options that egg donation will give us about best chance of having the family we have been working so hard for. I say this simply but of course there are many, many emotions that have had to be processed when coming to this decision; and which will continue to be processed into the future.<br />
<br />
The amazing news is that we have an egg donor. Yes I can't believe how lucky we are. I connected with this amazing woman through my research into egg donation and she has offered to be our egg donor during the past week. I couldn't be more amazed by the unbelievingly generous offer to altruistically donate her eggs so that we can have a chance if becoming a family.<br />
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I have so many thoughts in my head and want to write it all down but for now I just wanted to let everyone know about the news that has us feeling both apprehensive and excited. All we want is a family and we have decided that as hard as it is for me to give up the biological link that at the end of the day the most important thing is love and connection. We want children. We want to be parents. We want a family. We know that for sure. I hope this is the path that will take us there...Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-5319798697057630692014-06-14T18:34:00.002-07:002014-06-21T18:54:52.204-07:00And so this is my life...<i>"So this is my life.</i><br />
<i> And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad</i><br />
<i> and I'm trying to figure out how that could be</i>"<br />
-The Perks of Being a Wallflower<br />
Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-60182040520008625332014-06-08T15:43:00.000-07:002014-06-08T15:43:40.163-07:00It's overWell that's it. It's over. No more embryos. <div>
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After 3 years of tests, appointments, procedures, supplements, acupuncture, needles, crazy drugs, hormones, six IVF cycles, 81 retreived eggs, 5 transferred embryos and many, many tears it is all over. We cannot have biological children.</div>
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I'm tired and I'm numb.</div>
Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-48504303786516609462014-06-05T22:48:00.002-07:002014-06-05T22:48:56.700-07:00Deja vuYes this cycle is feeling awfully familiar...<br />
<br />
Yesterday we still had 13 embryos growing on day 2. They were mostly 3 cell with a few at 4 cell and a few at the 2 cell stage. Quality ranged from B to D. Today we were down to 6 embryos; 1 x 6 cell with more than 30% fragmentation, 1 x 5 cell with less than 10% fragmentation and 4 x 4 cell with varying degrees of fragmentation. I was at work in the morning and could see my nurse ringing on my phone. I couldn't answer it but my heart sank when I saw it as I knew it meant bad news. She was ringing early to suggest we transfer today but as I couldn't call back until lunchtime and we still live a few hours away that was no longer possible. She said we also had the option of a 4 day transfer tomorrow but I just couldn't imagine the thought of getting in the car this afternoon, driving down to a hotel, staying the night and driving to the clinic in the morning just to be told the rest had stopped developing too. Also, we've transferred 5 other embryos at earlier stages (day 2) and none of them ever took so I don't believe returning them to my uterine environment earlier is necessarily any better. So after speaking with the embryologist, my nurse, my doctor through my nurse, and of course my husband we have decided to wait one more day. If any embryos are still developing we will stick with our original 'blastocyst or bust' plan and do a day 5 transfer but otherwise we will have nothing and my hopes of a biological child will be over. I think our best hope is the 5 cell embryo with less than 10% fragmentation. It's slower but it may by some miracle catch up. It has got a lot of pressure on it- poor thing. So we just wait (again) until tomorrow...Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-41197708218386282462014-06-03T17:54:00.000-07:002014-06-03T17:54:14.384-07:00Egg retrieval (EPU) results and fertilisation reportWell we got 27 eggs yesterday. I felt pretty sore afterwards but luckily wasn't sick like last time. I asked the nurses for some IV fluids in recovery just to try and compensate for the fluid I would have lost for the follicle aspiration. I was able to eat fairly quickly after I came out of anaesthesia and drank heaps of water and coconut water on the long drive home. The nurses wanted to give me panadeine forte but I don't respond well to codeine so the paracetamol and heat-packs were a pretty good replacement. I know protein is the best for for preventing OHSS but I just could not resist some McDonald's fries on the way home. I've been eating so well for so long and it was pure heaven to be able to eat something without feeling guilty that I was compromising egg quality. I made up for my junk food treat by having salmon and vegetables for tea ;)<div>
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<div>
I slept reasonably well but woke up in a panic that I had taken a double dose of dexamethasone the day before in my post-anaesthetic haze. So much for a sleep in. I couldn't get back to sleep so decided to lie in bed for a while, take my first pessary and then spend the rest of the day taking it fairly easy on the couch. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
My nurse rang around 10am with our fertilisation results. Out of 27 eggs, 23 were mature and 13 fertilised successful using HA-ICSI. She also mentioned that there were 5 eggs they we still waiting on to see if they would fertilise late but didn't want to get my hopes up. </div>
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So now we wait. Again. We are 'blastocyst or bust' so if our embryos start to arrest around day 3 or 4 we'll be pretty devastated. </div>
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Thanks to everyone who has been dropping by- I know you're out there because I can see my page visits go up - I really appreciate the support :)</div>
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Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-54965578580042766792014-05-30T15:18:00.000-07:002014-05-30T15:18:03.639-07:0033 follicles Yikes. I'm still confused. I've had two scans this week and while I was hoping for lower follicles numbers (with the hope of higher quality eggs) my body has decided to be as oppositional as ever and has decided to grow heaps instead. I'm only on 112.5 Puregon so I can't work out why I have so many. They've been growing slower than last time and so I'm due for my 10,000 HCG trigger shot on Sunday night for egg retrieval (EPU) on Tuesday (CD 16). I'm very worried about OHSS as I came very close last time and it wasn't fun. I also found the Cabergoline (anti-OHSS drug) awful. I feel a bit unclear of how it's all going to go. The technicians who did my ultrasounds were unfamiliar with the process so I'm nervous about the accuracy of their reports. All I can do is trust that everything is going as good as it can.<br />
<br />
Everyone keeps saying to stay positive and I just nod and smile. I don't know why I can't feel optimistic but my brain just seems to push down any glimmers of hope in an effort to protect my heart from the pain of further disappointment and overwhelming grief. I almost feel as though people are thinking "does she even want this?" as I am hardly a beacon of excitement and positivity. I hope they understand the drive and determination needed to do 6 IVF cycles in 13 months. I couldn't have gone through numerous blood tests, scans, procedures, drugs, needles and appointments on top of all the financial, emotional and social sacrifices if I didn't want this more than anything in the whole world.<br />
<br />
So now we wait for next Tuesday. I hope it all goes well...Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-52981785649102473642014-05-23T19:59:00.000-07:002014-05-23T19:59:24.795-07:00The last timeYep- I am stimming for the last time. This is it. If we don't get any viable embryos from this cycle we will stop and look at other options. We have decided it's all or nothing- we will take any embryos we've got to day 5 if we can but will not transfer any earlier, even if we only have one or two. I'm on low dose stims- only 112.5u Puregon and have not had any extra Menopur, testostone or human growth human added to the mix this time. I was supposed to start 3-4 weeks ago but my cycle just wasn't playing ball and I kept spotting so my doctor put me on the BCP for 3 weeks. AF arrived on the predicted day after I came off the pill and I'm now on day 6 of my cycle. I started orgalutran yesterday and will have bloods taken, my intralipid infusion administered and an ultrasound on Tuesday. I'm hoping the 4 months on melatonin, vitamin D, fish oil and CoQ10 help with my egg quality but we'll just have to wait and see. Hopefully the 10,000Hcg trigger shot also helps with egg quality compared to the 250 Ovidrel I've had before. This was a recommendation from Dr Sher in the US who I contacted on his online forum.<br />
<br />
So it all comes down to this. The next few weeks will determine if I will have a biological child or not. It's a massive thing to get my head around but we couldn't logically keep flogging a dead horse (me being the horse). I want to send more time with my children and less time doing IVF. I don't know how we will have a family but I know if this next cycle doesn't work we need to invest our time, energy and money into options that are likely to bring us closer to having a family.<br />
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We know what avenue we are likely to go down next if this doesn't work but I'll leave that for another post if we need.<br />
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I don't know how I feel. I don't know how I feel...Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-71147826270067010222014-05-16T01:30:00.001-07:002014-05-16T01:32:57.483-07:00Let Her Go...There are many songs that have resonated with me along this journey and I've been thinking about doing a post about a particular song for a while. It wasn't until I was reading through the blog of another woman on a similar journey (RunCC you're amazing) who wrote of a song that summed up how she was feeling that I thought I'd do the same. The song that stops me in my tracks and makes me cry every single time is "Let Her Go" by Passenger. I know it is a love song rather than a song about infertility but there are some lines that are just so true they take my breath away.<br />
<br />
As a background to why this song means so much my friendship group has seen an explosion of babies in the last 6-12 months. Amazingly these have nearly all been little girls. When I here "Let Her Go" it makes me think of all my friends with their beautiful healthy daughters and makes me ache for the little girl (or boy) I have longed for but may never have. I imagine my little embryos as daughters that I love so deeply being lost and the ache being all the harder afterwards for the knowing that they were there. They were real. Even if only for a short while. I will put some lines of the song below but listening to it is much more powerful...<br />
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<br />
<div style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); text-align: center;"><i> Staring at the bottom of your glass</i></span></div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><span style="text-align: center;"></span></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><span style="text-align: center;">Hoping one day you'll make a dream last</span></i></span></div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><span style="text-align: center;">
</span><span style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
But dreams come slow and they go so fast</div>
</span></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><span style="text-align: center;"></span></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><span style="text-align: center;">You see her when you close your eyes</span></i></span></div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><span style="text-align: center;">
</span><span style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Maybe one day you'll understand why</div>
</span><span style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Everything you touch surely dies</div>
</span></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="text-align: center;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="text-align: center;"><i>But you only need the light when it's burning low</i></span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><span style="text-align: center;">
</span><i><span style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow</div>
</span><span style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Only know you love her when you let her go</div>
</span></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><span style="text-align: center;"></span></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><span style="text-align: center;">Only know you've been high when you're feeling low</span></i></span></div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><span style="text-align: center;">
</span><span style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Only hate the road when you're missin' home</div>
</span><span style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Only know you love her when you let her go</div>
</span></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><span style="text-align: center;"></span></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><span style="text-align: center;">Staring at the ceiling in the dark</span></i></span></div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><span style="text-align: center;">
</span><span style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
Same old empty feeling in your heart</div>
</span><span style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast</div>
</span></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><span style="text-align: center;"></span></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><span style="text-align: center;">Well you see her when you fall asleep</span></i></span></div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><i><span style="text-align: center;">
</span><span style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
But never to touch and never to keep</div>
</span><span style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
'Cause you loved her too much</div>
</span><span style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;">
And you dived too deep</div>
</span></i></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-37962396762393020052014-05-09T18:28:00.000-07:002014-05-09T18:32:41.267-07:00Facebook and infertilityI don't know about you but the Mother's Day messages have already started flooding my Facebook news feed. Now I would never want mothers to not feel special about all the amazing things they do but it was a chance for me to reflect about how hard it is to be on social media when you are trying to conceive- especially when you are having difficulty. I feel there is not a day that goes by when I don't have to see a pregnant belly post, an update about "Jonny rolling over at 4 months 1 week and 3 days" (seriously- 4 months is fine), or a proud statement of just how proud such-and-such is to be a mummy (mommy for USA readers). I don't know why mothers feel the need to constantly post statements along the lines of "LIKE- if you love being a mum", "SHARE- if being a mother is the most important job in the world" or "LIKE- if you're kids are the most special thing in the world" etc etc. Are they looking for validation? Is there a special feeling one receives from the acknowledgement of other mothers? Or is being a mother just so amazing that one cannot stop their fingers typing posts to let the whole world know about it? I'm sure it's not a deliberate attempt to rub their own joy in the faces of those who are not so lucky but I can't help but think do these women ever stop and think about how it makes others feel?<br />
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Now some people may say "just stop going in Facebook then!" The problem with infertility is that it is already so isolating, that face-to-face social contact can often be so hard, that if you're like me Facebook is a way to stay connected with others when all I feel like doing is staying inside on the couch for weeks at a time. I am a member of Facebook infertility and IVF groups that allow me to stay linked with other women going through similar things. The interesting thing about this is that we post all our shared joys and disappointments in a closed group. Is there a reason why mothers can't do the same? Why can't fertile friends make their own closed group where they can put all their "I love being a mum" posts and pregnancy/ baby photos posts without the risk of hurting others. I know if I had a friend whose father had passed away the last thing I would be saying either online or in her presence was comments about how much I love my dad, how I love being a daughter, or inviting others to share their stories about their father. Maybe comparing infertility to a family death is too extreme for some but I'm sure many of those who have been through infertility would relate to the significant feelings of grief, loss and isolation.<br />
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So in preparation for Mother's Day I'd like to send my love to all the women out there who know what it feels like to scroll down their Facebook page and feel the gut punch when a new ultrasound photo or mum-related comment comes into view. I know we are more considerate and caring people because of our journey and if one day we are lucky enough to become mothers I believe we will share our joy in ways that reflect our knowledge of the women who still wait...Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-88272431223256675152014-04-26T16:03:00.001-07:002014-04-26T16:03:21.910-07:00Good news for Australians hoping to adoptSunday morning is my favorite. I love reading the newspaper in bed and while I was flicking through the news stories this morning I was excited to see the headline "<i>Abbott moves to ease overseas adoptions</i>". Now anybody who has looked into adoption in Australia knows just how difficult it is- domestically or internationally. There are often many years of paperwork and waiting which do not guarantee an adoption. In fact the number of adoptions in Australia per year IN TOTAL only number in the hundreds. Yes, hundreds. It was an option we basically ruled out early in our infertility journey as we had heard so many horror stories where people had waited years only to find out that that country had closed adoption agreements with Australia. Now- just as we are starting to look at the option of having non-biological children through donor eggs or donor embryos- I am thrilled to see that our Prime Minister Tony Abbott has promised to reform adoption processes and slash the red-tape that prevents so many intended parents from adopting overseas. Apparently actors Hugh Jackman and his wife Deborah-Lee Furness have been very effective in their efforts to campaign for easier adoption in Australia and have contributed to Abbott's decision.They themselves adopted in the US where it is much more common.<br />
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So while we are not looking at adoption at this stage it is such a relief to know that it is an option that could be available to us (and many others) down the track. A great start to a Sunday morning I would say :)Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-14330197110705072312014-04-24T00:29:00.001-07:002014-04-24T00:29:25.412-07:005000 page views- thanks for the support :)Wow- I can't believe I've had over 5000 visits to my blog! I started this process as a way to record my feelings and procedures but have been blown away by how many visits I get each month. I hope people have found shared thoughts, feelings and experiences through my my words and have felt less alone or confused because of it. I know I have read many other blogs and forums looking for advice and connection with others and I have been very grateful for all the information and support I have received. I love when people comment here as it makes the whole process seem far less isolating. Thanks again for dropping by and being a part of my journey :)Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1130431993137985078.post-6768379260877593992014-04-19T23:16:00.002-07:002014-04-19T23:16:53.885-07:00A fun post...first time celebrity mothers over 30Ok. I've been a bit doom and gloom lately. It's hard to stay positive when you only get bad news so I thought I'd do something a bit different for a change. My 'plan' in my early 20's was to have my first child before the age of 30. In fact I thought I might even have two children by that age. Needless to say I have had to change the goal posts and thought I would make myself feel better by listing some celebrity mothers who had their first child and/or children in their 30's or 40's. I hope it is reassuring to others out there who have not been able to have children at the age they first hoped to :)<br />
<br />
Jennifer Garner- 33, 36, 39<br />
Gwen Stefani- 36, 38, 44<br />
Jennifer Lopez- 38 (twins)<br />
Brooke Sheilds- 37, 40<br />
Charlize Theron- 36 (via adoption)<br />
Juliane Moore- 37, 41<br />
Salma Hayek- 41<br />
Courtney Cox- 39<br />
Mariah Carey- 41 (twins)<br />
Halle Berry- 41, 47<br />
Naomi Watts- 38, 40<br />
Sandra Bullock- 45 (via adoption)<br />
Drew Barrymore- 37, 39<br />
Elizabeth Banks- 37, 38 (via surrogate)<br />
Cate Blanchett- 32, 34, 39<br />
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Now some of these women went through infertility and others didn't but it did make me feel a little better to know that there are plenty of great mothers out there who had their first child after 30 :)<br />
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<br />Trying to conceive a family...http://www.blogger.com/profile/10419634308179587705noreply@blogger.com4