She's here...

I have a daughter.

I am a mummy.

No words can describe the significance of these two sentences.

All I can say is...it was worth it. It was worth everything. And, I love her.

For those still on your journey I think of you all the time. I'm so sorry you are still waiting...and trying...and crying. I've been there and I will never forget it.

This will be my last blog post. I hope my words can offer something to someone out there in the big wide world who is looking for information that will help them on their infertility journey. I know I often sought comfort from the words of others online when those around me couldn't understand, or help.

Best of luck whoever you are. I hope you get everything you've dreamed of...because dreams can come true. I'm staring at mine right now.

2 months to go!

I'm still here I promise. As I type I'm getting some very strong kicks from bubs and as uncomfortable as some of them are I love, love, love the reassurance that everything is still going ok. I feel like it has been so long since my BFP and I just hope the next few months flies by and our little baby is here safe and sound before too long. I still live in fear that something will go wrong but I think that is just infertility brain.

There have been some challenging moments emotionally over the last few months as I contine to process having a child that is not genetically half mine and half my husbands. I hate to admit it and wish I didn't have those thoughts but sometimes I still feel sad that 'normal' IVF didn't work and I won't know the feeling of looking into eyes that resemble my own.. I  don't know if that sounds narcisstic but I do have pangs of grief that I have to work through and that sometimes bring about negative responses that I wish I didn't display. I think it's a work in process and I know once the baby is here I will love it more than anything- I already do. 

So now I'm just focusing on getting through the last trimester as healthy and prepared as I can. I know that once the baby is born it will be a new and different world and I hope it is as great as I imagine. It's been 4 years since I started this journey with my husband and to see the finish line finally in sight is both scary and exciting (scary only because I worry something will take us right back to the start). I hope everything goes well :)

Starting to relax

I'm so sorry for the long absence. I'm not sure whether it's infertility guilt (i.e. feeling bad about having success when others haven't), anxiety that I'll jinx everything, or just feeling worried that I can't share as much because too much detail will make it difficult to stay anonymous in the significantly smaller egg donor community. It's probably all three.

I'm thrilled to say that I have not had any further bleeding and that the 12 week scan couldn't have gone better. The first trimester seemed to drag on so slowly and I thought that first important ultrasound would never arrive. I was so unbelievably nervous beforehand but the image of our little one moving around was such a massive relief I can't even describe it.

I've slowly started to relax as the days and weeks have gone by and I can't believe it won't be too long before I'm halfway! My belly has started to show in the last few weeks and I love it. In the many months/years of infertility I'd often push my stomach out or put something up my top to imagine being pregnant and it is so nice to not have to pretend anymore. I find that a lot now. I used to walk past the baby or maternity section of certain shops and feel somewhat self-conscious if someone caught me browsing, I find I can now actually look in these sections without worrying that someone will "bust" me.

I still can't say things like "when the baby arrives..." and instead still say "if we get that far...". I think that's infertility brain and just knowing that things don't always work out that way you think, or the way you want to.

It's been so nice to have people react so emotionally when they've found out we are expecting. I could be quite bitter at times in the past few years; not thinking that others really understood what we were going through. While I know that they will probably never get fully get it the fact that they are so obviously happy for us helps me feel like they really were rooting for us and maybe just didn't quite know how to show it at the time. I wanted to share that as I know for those of you still on your IF journey that it can be an isolating time and that you can feel like others just don't care. I love the fact that the pizza guy ran out after our dinner to wish us congratulations jand that many of our extended friends have been tearful when we've told them. I think I was most surprised by these reactions as my the reaction from my own family was much more low key. My mum simply said "oh that's lovely- I'll make sure I keep it under my hat", and my dad just said a few simple words of congratulations which I would have secretly liked to have a bit more enthusiasm. I'm learning to just deal with this and realise that is just who they are...

So for now I'm just enjoying getting closer each day. We have regular contact with our donor- which is very important- and it's great to share the milestones with her. I hope everything continues to go smoothly and we have a healthy baby by the middle of the year :)

The first trimester (after IF)

I'm sorry I've been such a terrible blogger. It's been a very busy month or so but even when I've had moments to spare I've logged onto my blog and just not know what to write...

Where do I start? I have had a few bleeds since my initial one in the two week wait and have basically been spotting the whole month. It has been pretty stressful but luckily everything seems to be ok and we had a heartbeat confirmed at 8 weeks- nice and strong at 164 beats per minute. The baby is growing on track and we are counting down the days to the next scan where hopefully everything will be ok. I suppose I've been reluctant to blog because I'm worried my nervousness about something going wrong will come across as a lack of excitement about this pregnancy. I don't  want people to feel I'm ungrateful for being lucky enough to get a BFP but know any post will be untruthful if I do not explain how I'm feeling. The few people who know keep asking "Are you excited?" and the honest answer is: "A little...but mostly I'm petrified something will go wrong". People who have not experienced infertility and have had normal pregnancies don't know what it feels like to be in the minority. But I do. I was in the 5% of people that didn't get pregnant in the first 12 months of trying and then the smaller minority that IVF didn't work for either. I'm used to hearing bad news and hate the fact that this means I can't just relax and expect that it will all be ok. I wish I could just enjoy being pregnant but the moments when I do start to think about actually holding a baby and being a parent my brain shuts these thoughts down and reminds me to prepare for the fact that something could still go wrong.

I never thought I was a pessimist but maybe I am...maybe this process has changed me? I know it sounds silly but I can't really remember what I was like before all this IF stuff. I know over the last few years in particular I've hated it when people said "think positively". What does that mean? I can't relate to being blindly optimistic and am more comfortable doing everything in my power to make sure everything goes well and then preparing for bad news just in case. I don't know whether that makes me sad or not but I suppose I've never been one to fake feelings or kid myself either. Shit happens and I'm definitely not immune.

I apologise for being so doom and gloom and hope I didn't upset anyone still trying for a baby that would love to be in my shoes. Trust me when I say I am so, so grateful to be pregnant and if everything looks good after the 12 week scan I know I'll start to relax a little more and feel more excited as the weeks pass. I am very much looking forward to growing a bump and having the reassurance of physical changes to ease my mind.

I'll probably wait to blog again after we have the next ultrasound as I would love to come back with good news rather than my ongoing worries. Thank you to everyone who comments for your ongoing support. I really appreciate it xoxo

Finally- our BFP!!!

Wow, wow, wow!!!

We are officially pregnant!!!!

I still can't quite believe it, and am quite scared that it will only be temporary. I'm not used to good news so it has been tricky to get my head around the fact that this could be it. We could actually have a baby in 8 months. I thought we were out of the running after experience some bleeding but after an increase in progesterone this has stopped and the lines on the home pregnancy test continued to get darker. Our beta has more than doubled in 48 hours and everything is now riding on the first ultrasound in a few weeks. I am terrified that the scan will give us bad news but I'm trying to stay positive.

Yesterday I looked through some of the baby items I've had in storage for the last few years and for the first time felt excitement rather than sadness and longing. I haven't looked at these items for quite a while and the thought that I might be able to finally use them makes my heart glow.

I know there is still a long road ahead of us but I am just so thrilled to make it this far and to know that my body can actually get pregnant.

Thank you so much for the people who pop by this blog and a special thanks to those who leave comments. It's a big support.

***I apologise for being a bit vague with specifics but as I said in an earlier post I am aware of trying to keep this blog anonymous and so am trying to keep identifying details out***

Blastocyst on board!!!

Wow, wow, wow!!! I have a 5 day embryo in my belly!!! I hope it's settling in nicely and continuing to grow and implant soon. In addition to our little embie on board we have more blasts on ice as well!!! This doesn't happen to us. This whole donor cycle has gone so positively that I'm having difficulty believing our good luck could possibly continue...I can't bring myself to believe we could have a positive beta on top of all this.

I've taken it easy since transfer and have basically been reading, watching TV and catching up with a few family and friends when I feel like a break in routine. I decided not to go to work straight away this time and have organised for five days at home :) It's been lovely and I've taken the time to try and talk with my little embryo and focus on it making a nice little home in my lining. This afternoon I wandered around our garden in the sun giving my tummy a little rub every now and then while I willed it to stay. I'm not sure whether it is because of the egg donor side of this cycle but I want to form a bond early on...knowing full well that things may not turn out so great but wanting to do whatever I can to help this precious little one stay around.

I wonder if I can do it. Does my body actually know how to be pregnant? I have given it all the ingredients and done everything to prepare it for transfer but will it actually be able to grow a little human being?

I hope so :)

I love them already

Well I've been a little quiet in the lead up to our cycle. It's been a worrying time but I am relieved that we have successfully gone through egg retrieval and have more than 10 embryos successfully fertilise. Our egg donor was simply amazing. Anybody who has gone through a stim cycle and egg retreival knows just how uncomfortable it is, and I'm in awe of the fact that she would do this for nothing more than the opportunity to make our dreams come true. I've said it before but I know this journey has made me reassess everything and has hopefully changed me for the better as a person- especially for knowing such beautiful and selfless people like our egg donor.

We are still not out of the woods yet obviously. Hopefully our embryos continue to grow and divide and we will have some precious blastocysts to transfer/freeze. I love these embryos already and feel just as excited about the thought that our future child/ren could be in their first stages of life as I would if the embryos were from one of our own egg retrievals.

I feel different in a good way this cycle. I know that everything could change in a heart-beat but I feel more hope than I have in a long time. I'm thinking of baby things again and picturing my husband and I with a family. For a period of time there these thoughts felt like dark and blurry images that were too far for me to reach...now they seem close enough to touch.

Please, please, please let this be it...