We are starting IVF!!!!!

Yep it is actually happening! After staying by the phone all last week I finally got the news late Friday afternoon that we would be starting the IVF process this month (April 2013) with the plan for egg retrieval (ER) and embryo transfer (ET) in May if everything goes to plan. My pharmacy was faxed a script for BCP's (birth control pills) on Friday evening and I rushed down to get them before the pharmacy closed. I started my first one on Sunday morning (7th April). At the moment I am waiting for my nurse to call back and arrange an appointment to discuss my protocol. I am excited but also realistic that this could be a challenging journey.

For those of you who have read my last post I did finally speak with my parents after my husband called my Dad to explain how I was feeling. While they didn't say the best things initially (my Dad commented that "maybe it's because you're stressed that you're not falling pregnant" and my mum made an insightful remark that they actually had been supportive but I was obviously perceiving things differently) they have since made more of an effort to talk about how things are going- which I really appreciate.

So for now it's IVF cycle one in May :)

Family response to infertility and TTC

I'm really struggling with my parents response to our infertility. As I mentioned in my last post my sister announced that she was pregnant last week and not once have my parents spoken to me about this news- even though I have spoken to them three times! While I am happy for my sister and have taken her gifts to show my support for her pregnancy I am really hurt that my parents have basically been acting as if nothing has happened. Early on in this whole process my mother mentioned that she didn't know if I wanted to talk about TTC and I clearly told her that I really appreciated it when people asked me how everything was going. I know it must be hard to know what to say but I thought that if they were really unsure they could at least send a text to say "How are you going?" or "Hope you're feeling OK" etc. Am I being unreasonable thinking that they might talk to me about our infertility and my sister's pregnancy? It's not that I want to take away from my sister's wonderful news but I thought my parents would understand that this is a difficult time for me- especially considering she didn't try for long and we have been trying for nearly 2 years. I feel confused, upset and angry and I have to say this has been the most difficult week in this whole process for me. As always I don't want to be a Debbie Downer so I am trying to be positive and look forward to the next chapter- which will hopefully be IVF :)

A tough day....

You know those days where things just don't seem to go well right from the start? Well today was one of those days. I woke up exhausted from a work trip the day before. One of the kids at work (I work with special needs kids)  had a big meltdown and I had to chase him over a gate where I banged my right knee really hard (which made it extra hard to catch him before anyone else got hurt!). I then had to race off for my 13 day ultrasound and happened to mention that I was worried I may have a yeast infection as my cervical fluid had been thicker. The nurse decided to do a smear and unfortunately the speculum accidentally jammed shut on the wall if my vagina (sorry I wasn't going to sugar-coat it) which was extremely painful. Luckily she said it all looked fine and the  subsequent ultrasound showed a 26mm follicle on my right side. I was in a hurry to get back to work but just to be sure the nurse thought I should get my LH levels checked to ensure ovulation was imminent. She said if my results were not great she would call me at work by 4pm to say I should return to the clinic for a trigger shot. After a long wait at the pathology place- where the staff did not notice my "I'm in a hurry" non-verbal cues while they chatted in reception- the  pathology collector proceeded to stab away at my right arm repeatedly before finally hitting the vein and getting a sample. I jumped back into the car and in my haste to get back to work wasn't paying attention to the speed I was going and was snapped by a roadside speed camera. Dammit! I got back to work frazzled and with a sore knee, sore arm and sore you-know-what and just couldn't get back into the groove of work. The clinic had not phoned me by 4pm so I headed off home relieved to have finished my day. Half way into my hour long trip home I get a call to say my LH was low and that I needed to come back quickly for a trigger shot! Aaaaaargh. So I turned around and drove 30 minutes back to the clinic to get a nice painful needle in my left arm before finally heading home. I arrived home totally drained and feeling quite sorry for myself when my sister arrived. I was surprised to see her as she very rarely visits and after prattling on about my less than awesome day she said rather hesitantly "I'm pregnant". I immediately burst into tears while trying to reassure her I was very happy for her and that I was sorry I was crying. There was no way I could try and pretend I wasn't overwhelmed with my own sadness but I didn't want to take away from her happiness. I asked her some questions about how far along she was/ how she was feeling etc and gave her hugs while continuing to cry a bit. She was very considerate and I hated feeling like she should be apologetic. I broke down like I had never done before when she left. It hurt so much. I wanted a baby so much and even feeling her tummy pressing against mine when we hugged made me  ache with a huge sense of despair and- I hate to say it- jealousy too. I wailed and sobbed as I cooked dinner and even cried while I ate it- which scared the cat who looked very unsure of why I was acting so strangely. My husband was as supportive as ever and I loved him so much for his concern and love.

I hate the thought of having had such a massive pity party for myself today and I know that other people have so much worse to deal with but it was just a tough day. Such is life :)

First month of Clomid

Well our first round of Clomid is finished. It wasn't successful in the sense that we didn't get pregnant but we had some promising signs during the cycle to show that my body responded well to the medication. My doctor prescribed Clomid for days 5 to 9- which was different than what I had read in books and on forums. I was unsure why he had recommended this type of treatment plan but research indicated that the later you take Clomid the better quality eggs you're likely to create and the earlier you take Clomid the more eggs you're likely to produce. I experienced a few minor side-effects including a dry mouth, reduced cervical mucous and a general feeling of being a bit 'off' for a few days. We used Pre-Seed lubrication to compensate for the reduced cervical mucous.

I had a day-10 ultrasound on a Friday rather than the typical day-12 ultrasound because I have had a corpus luteum on a previous day-12 ultrasound (which proved I had already ovulated in the cycle). My 10 day ultrasound showed a 17mm follicle on my left side with some other smaller ones on my right side. The nurse said I would probably ovulate the following day but my BBT's (temperature) dipped on the Monday morning so I felt that I had ovulated then. I also had left side pain on that day. I had a progesterone test the following Friday which showed a level of 22 and then one on Monday whihc was 55.5- which pretty much proved I had ovulated on the Monday (Day 13). Overall the cycle was positive but getting my period was particularly hard. I figured that because the odds were higher of getting pregnant the disappointment was also higher because my expectations were raised. At the moment the plan is to take Clomid again this month and then move to IUI. I'm definitely not keen on IUI because of the low success rates so I may still go straight to IVF. I discussed this with my nurse today and she seemed to think this would be possible- although they did recommend the IUI process before going through the more invasive IVF procedures. No matter what I feel like we're getting a little closer :)

The next step: Clomid, IUI and IVF

Well the ball is officially rolling. I had my follow up appointment with our Fertility Specialist this morning and was really nervous about what he was going to say. It has been a bit over 4 months since we were told to go away and try naturally after my laparoscopy and I was worried he would just tell me to keep trying. I wasn't keen on the thought of Clomid as it had not been successful for friends of mine and while I didn't want to jump the gun straight to IVF I also dreaded the thought of a long and drawn out process of less invasive treatments that ended in IVF anyway. The appointment didn't take very long and after some quick questions about "how things have been going" and a check of my most recent 21-day progesterone test (it was 37- woohoo!) the doctor asked how I felt about IUI. I said I didn't like the success rates and he responded by saying the success rates for fertility treatment in general weren't good. I don't know how the conversation changed to cattle but he did mention that a cow that took more than 2 or 3 attempts to get pregnant it would have its head removed!!! I laughed and told him that I hoped he didn't do that to me! After some discussion we agreed that I would do 1-2 clomid cycles to boost ovulation and support my luteal phase (progesterone on the second cycle if I spotted on the first), followed by 1 or 2 IUI's (the second only if I agreed) and then move onto IVF if there was still no sign of a BFP. Everything was quickly explained by one of the nurses and I was given a script for 50g Clomid and a pathology request for my husband to check his Vitamin D levels and a few other things. All in all I left feeling positive and hopeful. I start my first round of Clomid on Day 5 of my next cycle- which is in less than 2 week. Fingers crossed :)

Another year

Well it's 2013. We started trying to conceive in mid-2011 and I feel mixed emotions now that 2012 has come and gone without a pregnancy. I feel my blog posts are indicative of where I am at emotionally and my need to come back and post today is a sign that I'm struggling a bit right at this moment. I've learnt to cope much better as each month passes but I still have moments where that nagging feeling way down inside rises to the surface and makes me feel like this is never going to happen. There I said it. I'm worried we might not be able to get pregnant. Through the smiles, the positive self-talk and the words of congratulations that I try so hard to sound genuine when someone else falls pregnant I feel alone and sad sometimes. I allow myself to feel these emotions when they come- to flop on my bed and cry into my pillow in a moment of despair- and then try and move on. It definitely doesn't help to wallow in my own self-pity so I try and brush myself off and get on with life. I have to encourage other people trying to conceive to talk to family and friends about it. It is such a relief to not have to make up excuses for not drinking and to have those around us be more careful about comments about pregnancy or babies that can be upsetting. Having said that my husband's cousin fell pregnant after literally a couple of days of trying and her mother and father went on and on about how easy it was for her during Christmas Day lunch despite the fact that they knew we had been unable to get pregnant ourselves. I know it's not intentional to make us upset but some people can be insensitive. Overall, 2013 is starting with the hope to focus on improving what I can control, letting go of what I can't and enjoying any experience and opportunity that comes my way. I also hope to be more relaxed and able to 'go with the flow'. I truly hope to get some followers to my blog this year so if you're out there please let me know :)

Laparoscopy, hysteroscopy and dye test

Well I am one week on from my 'lap'. I wasn't too nervous going in but the fact I only got my period two days before concerned me as I had read online that they won't do the dye test if you're menstruating. Luckily it didn't seem to be a problem. I woke up groggy from the surgery expecting to go home that same day but the nurses let me know that I would have to stay in overnight. I was wheeled into the ward and over the course of the afternoon was told that the doctor had found endometriosis in a number of locations- particularly around my bladder. Due to the fact that they had to cut away the endometriosis quite deeply in this area they also put dye into my bladder to ensure they had not perforated the bladder wall. I was told that a catheter needed to be in for 24 hours which is why I had to stay overnight. The pain relief was effective and I was mostly uncomfortable afterwards with the catheter in and some sharp shoulder pain from the gas they used to inflate my abdomen during the laparoscopy. My husband and sister visited in the evening and I felt much better after something to eat. I got very little sleep during the night as I was lucky enough to share the room with three old men. All of them appeared to have hearing problems as the nurse needed to shout instructions every time she came in to check their obs during the night. I propped myself either side with pillows to maintain a level of semi-comfort but the short length of the catheter and the drip in my arm severely restricted my movement. Morning eventually arrived and I asked any nurse that came in whether I would be going home soon. No-one seemed to be overly fussed with speeding up my discharge and attended to the needs of the hearing-impaired men around me who had more pressing needs. My surgeon visited and let me know that I had 'moderate' amounts of endometriosis on the left side of my abdomen as well as in the Pouch of Douglas and obviously on my bladder. He made a follow up visit with my fertility specialist (my surgeon was different than my fertility specialist) for the following week and approved my discharge. My husband arrived around 11am and I managed to get my incision sites cleaned and re-dressed, my catheter out (hallelujah!) and the needle in my arm removed by different nurses who took pity on my obvious need to get home. I had to make sure I had no blood in my urine so had to use my bladder twice before the let me go. I moved very slowly initially and was surprised at how weak and tender I felt. Finally, I was discharged and my husband drove me home- about an hour away. I slept on a mattress in the lounge room for the first few days afterwards to ensure I could put pillows all around me. I tried to move around as much as possible and was able to walk around quite well after 3 days. The shoulder pain was probably worse than the tummy pain-especially if I walked around quite a bit or got cold- although I didn't need any pain killers after I left the hospital. I attended my follow up visit five days after my surgery and felt about 80% back to normal. I obviously couldn't move quickly and needed to be careful of the incision sites but they healed really quickly. The nurse at the reproductive medicine clinic said it probably helped that I was fit, healthy and relatively young. I was told that my tubes had been patent (open) and the biopsy they took from my uterus wall was normal. My fertility specialist said the removal of the endometriosis would likely have a positive impact on my fertility and said to keep trying for another three months and see what happens. So, I have an appointment at the end of January 2013 to see him again unless I fall pregnant in the meantime. Fingers crossed :)

Still a bit swollen and sore. About 1 week after lap.