Good news for Australians hoping to adopt

Sunday morning is my favorite. I love reading the newspaper in bed and while I was flicking through the news stories this morning I was excited to see the headline "Abbott moves to ease overseas adoptions". Now anybody who has looked into adoption in Australia knows just how difficult it is- domestically or internationally. There are often many years of paperwork and waiting which do not guarantee an adoption. In fact the number of adoptions in Australia per year IN TOTAL only number in the hundreds. Yes, hundreds. It was an option we basically ruled out early in our infertility journey as we had heard so many horror stories where people had waited years only to find out that that country had closed adoption agreements with Australia. Now- just as we are starting to look at the option of having non-biological children through donor eggs or donor embryos- I am thrilled to see that our Prime Minister Tony Abbott has promised to reform adoption processes and slash the red-tape that prevents so many intended parents from adopting overseas. Apparently actors Hugh Jackman and his wife Deborah-Lee Furness have been very effective in their efforts to campaign for easier adoption in Australia and have contributed to Abbott's decision.They themselves adopted in the US where it is much more common.

So while we are not looking at adoption at this stage it is such a relief to know that it is an option that could be available to us (and many others) down the track. A great start to a Sunday morning I would say :)

5000 page views- thanks for the support :)

Wow- I can't believe I've had over 5000 visits to my blog! I started this process as a way to record my feelings and procedures but have been blown away by how many visits I get each month. I hope people have found shared thoughts, feelings and experiences through my my words and have felt less alone or confused because of it. I know I have read many other blogs and forums looking for advice and connection with others and I have been very grateful for all the information and support I have received. I love when people comment here as it makes the whole process seem far less isolating. Thanks again for dropping by and being a part of my journey :)

A fun post...first time celebrity mothers over 30

Ok. I've been a bit doom and gloom lately. It's hard to stay positive when you only get bad news so I thought I'd do something a bit different for a change. My 'plan' in my early 20's was to have my first child before the age of 30. In fact I thought I might even have two children by that age. Needless to say I have had to change the goal posts and thought I would make myself feel better by listing some celebrity mothers who had their first child and/or children in their 30's or 40's. I hope it is reassuring to others out there who have not been able to have children at the age they first hoped to :)

Jennifer Garner- 33, 36, 39
Gwen Stefani- 36, 38, 44
Jennifer Lopez- 38 (twins)
Brooke Sheilds- 37, 40
Charlize Theron- 36 (via adoption)
Juliane Moore- 37, 41
Salma Hayek- 41
Courtney Cox- 39
Mariah Carey- 41 (twins)
Halle Berry- 41, 47
Naomi Watts- 38, 40
Sandra Bullock- 45 (via adoption)
Drew Barrymore- 37, 39
Elizabeth Banks- 37, 38 (via surrogate)
Cate Blanchett- 32, 34, 39

Now some of these women went through infertility and others didn't but it did make me feel a little better to know that there are plenty of great mothers out there who had their first child after 30 :)

Sperm DNA fragmentation (SCSA) results

We just got my husbands sperm DNA fragmentation test results back and they were very good at only less than 5% fragmentation. The average is reportedly 15%. I am very happy to have another piece of the puzzle however it was quite hard to know beyond doubt that our infertility issues are purely from me. 

We will now wait and see what my FS says when he comes back from holidays. I know he suggested trying one last cycle with my own eggs so we may still do that even though we know the odds of success are low. We went into our most recent cycle not knowing how badly it would turn out so we may do one final cycle with the knowledge that this is our last shot. I'm not sure if this makes sense or not to others when I know logically our chances are slim but sometimes you just need that closure I think...

The good news about my husbands test results is that we know that egg donation is a great option for us as we have no male factor issues. If this next cycle fails we will definitely look into egg donation formally and consider embryo adoption as well. 

For now I am going to enjoy the long weekend. Happy Easter everyone :)

The pain...

I haven't felt up to writing a post for a while. The past few weeks have been probably the worst in my life. The knowledge that we may never have biological children is a pain I can't adequetely describe. It catches my breath when I realise how enormous the reality of this is and that it is not a dream we will wake up from but a truth that feels too awful to imagine. I have been doing a lot of research into egg donation and embryo adoption and while it is an option we are grateful to have we still need to grieve the possibility that we may never have children that look a little bit like both of us; that are 100% ours. There is still the possibility of doing another cycle with our own eggs and sperm but it is a lot of money and emotional energy for a low chance of success. We are in the airport at the moment ready to fly up to Sydney for a sperm DNA test for my husband (Sperm Chromatin Structure Assay). If this is fine we can be fairly certain we have an egg quality issue. If the results are not fine we have decided to pursue embryo adoption. A sperm donor is obviously an option but I know it is something my husband is not completely comfortable with and we both said we need to be certain in order to move forward. I am more comfortable with egg donation as I feel I have the added benefit of carrying the child and forming a special bond in that way (if I can even get pregnant).

We are both tired and hurting. I don't like this real life stuff...where is the Hollywood ending??? I feel I've been duped by all the rom-coms where everything works out in the end and only wish it were that way in reality. We are grateful for each other and or health and are very much trying to focus on the things we are lucky to have but it is still tough. I know I've said it befor but can we please fast-forward to when we have a family? I know we will have one some way at some point but I just wish something could stop this pain right now...

And then there were none...

There are no words to describe how we are feeling. Our worst fears have come true...our embryos do not grow to blast. With our other cycles we always transferred Day 2 embryos but the fact that we never had a beta result over 0 made me fear that they just stopped growing not long after they were put back. I counted how many eggs we have retrieved since our first IVF and was shocked that it was over 50. While not all of them fertilised I couldn't believe that that many eggs had resulted in nothing.  That's also in addition to the two years of trying to conceive naturally. While I think my doctor will probably want to cycle again I just don't know if I can do it. We've spent more than $50,000 on assisted reproduced (including natural medicine) and the emotional and physical toll have became almost too much. We have very little savings left and my body feels like it doesn't even belong to me anymore. Adoption in Australia is almost impossible so our options are to continue with IVF or look at third party reproduction (donor sperm, donor eggs, donor embryos). We were concerned that the fact that our embryos arrested mostly on day 3 and 4 may indicate an unidentified sperm issue but I just don't know how I feel about sperm donation in the sense that I would be genetically related to the child but my husband wouldn't. For some reason I feel more comfortable about embryo donation.  I know it eliminates the possibility that I will have biological children but I just feel that with everything my husband and I have been through I want to go through the next step together. 

I'm tired. Very tired.  I feel 100 years old.  Our friends lives seems so simple and straight-forward. I am jealous and angry and so desperately sad. I wanted 2014 to be our year...and maybe it will be...but maybe it won't be too...

We lost 10 :(

I'm so upset. Yesterday we had 19 embryos but today I got the bad news that 10 had arrested. Only one of the remaining 9 embryos was an 8-cell with the others at 6-cell, 5-cell and 4-cell. The 8-cell isn't excellent quality with approximately 1/3 fragmentation. Sigh. Infertility is such a roller coaster. I was so happy yesterday and was actually starting to think we might end up with multiple blastocysts. Now I just hope we'll have something for transfer on Sunday. I've been nauseated all day from the Cabergoline but luckily my doctor is happy for me to stop it as I don't seem to be showing any signs of OHSS. My lower back is very sore from my progestone in oil (PIO) intramuscular injection but I think it may be more painful because I am trying to do them myself and I wiggle the needle around a bit trying to get a good hand position. So today I'm flat. My husband is missing his sporting grand final on Saturday so that we can head to Melbourne the day before transfer. If we make it down there and pay for travel, accommodation, food and acupuncture only to find out we have nothing to transfer I'll be absolutely devastated. I just hope we have some good news from the embryologist tomorrow...