Wondering where the chips will fall this time...

As always my head is a bundle of thoughts and emotions as we edge closer to our egg donor pick up: "Please let this be it... I don't know what will happen if this doesn't work...I feel like I don't have much left in the tank, and I'm worried about what will happen once I'm running on empty...I don't really even feel likely living sometimes-just existing...please, please let this work...etc"

In addition to my worries I have a huge ball of suppressed hope and excitement bubbling away inside as well. It is definitely not the dominant presence as my protective shield is super-strong and likes to push aside these 'risky'' positive thoughts. My brain is definitely screwed up from infertility.

It's strange when you're not actually growing the eggs anymore. I usually feel guilty about eating chocolate, fried food and sugar because of fears that it will effect my egg quality. Now that I won't be using my own eggs I am less strict with my diet. You would think that I would be enjoying the freedom of eating what I feel like but for some reason it makes me feel sad sometimes that it doesn't matter anymore. I think it all makes me feel sad sometimes to be honest.

Now I don't want everyone to think I'm just crying in the corner each day and moping around thinking "poor me". I sometimes go to delete the things I've written on this blog for fear that it will just be seen as a heap of negative dribble, but I stop myself as I know it's cathartic to get those feelings out somewhere. I am still happy (or not sad) for the most part and the egg donor process has touched me more than any other experience in my life so far. There are so many wonderful people I have met and the selflessness of my donor and her family is just beyond heart-warming. The fact that someone feels that my husband and I are special enough to be given such a precious gift is something that brings tears to my eyes as I type this. I genuinely feel lucky to have been able to experience this process- as hard as it is at times.

In preparation for transfer I have had a couple of appointments with a naturopath/Bowen therapist. I expected some sort of massage combined with general feedback on my health but I did not expect the intensity of the experience. The treatment was excruciating and she told me that I had the worst hips she'd seen in 20 years. She said my lower abdomen lacked blood flow (all three acupuncturists I have seen said my belly was "stagnant") and worked hard over the two sessions to get everything "unlocked". I'm not going to lie- I cried...a lot. It was so, so painful as she pushed and flicked and rubbed my muscles and tendons. I had to ask her to stop at times but I didn't want to cancel the appointment in case she was the one person who could actually help me. In moments where I was able to actually open my eyes I could see the therapists dog being very amorous with a soft pillow...I could only laugh inside at how ridiculous it all was. Me crying and puffing like I was in labour, the therapist chatting away like I was lying calmly on the table and the dog humping a pillow in the corner. 

I was bruised and battered after the first session but being the sucker for punishment I am I booked in for another session. This session involved slightly less crying and puffing but I was shocked when after some pulling and manipulation of my legs a large CRACK in my hips was heard. The therapist immediately teared up and apologised for her reaction; saying that she felt it was all going to be ok for me now as everything had "opened up". She kept working on me for a while before asking if I believed in "guides". I knew she meant spiritual guides and answered "not really". She then went on to tell me that she is not psychic but had to tell me that she felt a strong presence of a baby boy. She explained that she had only had the same experience two other times in her career and the person had become pregnant shortly after. I didn't really know what to think...I wanted to believe she was right but my inner skeptic also stopped me from getting too hopeful. I have been given different predictions before and they had not eventuated so I tried to take her comments with a grain of salt and felt grateful for her desire to pass on whatever she felt. 

So...it's nearly time. As always we are hoping it goes well but know we just have to see where the chips lie..

Ready to start our egg donor cycle :)

I've been a bit quiet on the blogging front. I feel more hesitant to voice my feelings and experiences now that we have an egg donor involved as this is no longer a personal journey but one that is shared.   I haven't told our donor about the blog as I hope the fact that I'm anonymous will hopefully mean that this just remains my online diary of sorts. I have been blown away by the generosity of her and her partner to go through the appointments and sacrifices needed to do an IVF cycle altruistically for someone they didn't even know a few months ago. They are wonderful people and we just feel so lucky. The experience has been extremely positive overall- other than some nervousness at the start- and I really had nothing to worry about.

So we are now officially cycling in a few weeks. I've been on the pill and will 'down regulate' with synarel at the same time as my donor. Then when blood tests show that we have both 'down regd' she will stim and I will prepare my body in much the same way as a FET. I will still be on my NK cell treatment of intralipids, dexamethasone, clexane and aspirin.

I have to say I was expecting something to go wrong...waiting for the doctor to tell us it couldn't happen or that we would have to jump through more hoops or wait a few more months, but surprisingly everything went relatively smoothly. I still can't quite believe it's happening and it probably won't be until egg retrieval that I will start to feel excited :)

I have a good feeling about this...I don't usually say that (or feel that) but for some reason I just see this happening. Hopefully I'm right :)

Genetics

Well time has been passing slowly but we are now hopefully just a month away from cycling with our egg donor. We have nearly finished the mandatory counselling sessions and if my doctor is happy with everything we will be able to cycle straight away. We have met our wonderful donor and her family and it was such a positive experience. Her generosity and desire to help others makes me want to be a better person. No matter what happens I know we'll be better people for having met such a selfless person and beautiful family.

I've been struggling with knowing who to tell about using an egg donor. We became so open with our IVF journey but I'm not sure if I want to tell people about our egg donor just yet. I'm definitely not ashamed- far from it- but instead I just don't think I can deal with having to tell people if it doesn't work. That is my biggest worry- that this won't work and we'll have to look at other options. For once I'm trying not to think that far ahead and I'm just focusing on hoping, hoping, hoping we take home a baby/babies in the next year or so.

It is funny how comfortable I actually feel about the whole process of having an egg donor now. The earlier gut-wrenching grief I experienced over the loss of the dream of a biological child has reduced significantly. It will probably always be with me to some degree but it definitely doesn't upset me anymore...it's more of a sad feeling tucked away that I become aware of sometimes.

In a bitter-sweet way I've come to realise that genetics isn't everything. My own family has definitely not been my biggest support through this whole process and as hard as that is to process sometimes it has also made me more aware that relationships are more than blood and genes. Connection with others is not dependent on whether a person shares some of your DNA but instead about how you make that person feel and how they make you feel. I know if I'm lucky enough to be a mother that I'll do whatever I can to have a positive, loving and supportive relationship with my child in the hope that our connection is just as strong as anyone who has a child/parent that shares a genetic link.

I have to admit I'm not in a good place in regards to my relationship with my own parents and siblings. I hate to feel so bitter...but I do. I would feel awful if they knew it but I just don't really want to spend time with them any more. If we are successful at getting pregnant will I be able to forget that they have barely spoken to me about this whole process even after I have explicitly asked them for more support? Will I be able to play 'happy families' and just pretend that I don't care that they ignored me during my darkest periods only to re-emerge (as I predict) if things go well? I do feel awful for these feelings and try to tell myself that I do love my family members and I don't want to regret anything, and so I make the effort to sound cheery when I do speak to them or see them every now and then. We've become masters of extended small talk on these occasions and it makes me sad.

Sometimes I read the blogs of other people going through infertility and I feel there is so much more positivity on their pages. I want to write happy blog posts but to be honest I'm so sick of pretending in real life that I can't be bothered doing it online as well.

Having said that my ray of sunshine is always my beautiful husband and the special people (including my egg donor) who we have met along the way and whom we would never have known if not for our IF journey.

To quote a great movie: "It can't rain all the time".

So now we are just waiting for the rain to stop...

Slowly getting closer...

Well it's nearly the end of the month. On August 1st we have our first counselling session and with any luck we will be able to start cycling 3-4 weeks later. I have already started taking the pill and luckily our last counselling session and FS appointment falls around the middle of our donors monthly cycle so we should both be able to start synarel or lucrin sholy after. I imagine I'll come off the pill just before she is due to start her period so that we can be in sync. The I just imagine it's rather like a FET cycle where I take something to boost my lining and then my regular NK cell treatment of intralipids, steroids and clexane followed by the progesterone support after transfer.

I hope we make it to transfer. I hope everything goes to plan. I'm trying to push the alternatives out of my head because I just don't have the energy. At the moment my husband and I are just trying to be reasonably healthy and save as much money as we can. Donor cycles aren't cheap and we are hoping to get a decent tax return to help provide a bit of a buffer to our already bruised and battered savings.

I feel like I'm just going through the motions; work, exercise, eat, clean, TV, sleep, repeat. I want to be doing exciting things in my head but my bank account, common sense and- if I'm honest- my desire to do anything where I have to talk to people means that I'm just existing as I count down the days to this next cycle.

It has hit home recently that friends are having their second babies. I am not as happy for them as I would like to think I should be.  I'm just not. I'm over it. One of my close friends fell pregnant straight away recently and doesn't even seem excited. Even though her and her husband had started trying she said she cried when she saw the positive pregnancy test and cried during the doctors appointnment. Of course she told this all to me like I wanted to hear it (WTF!) and I had to act interested and sympathetic when all I wanted to do was put the phone down and not talk to her again for at least 9 months.

Ok, ok enough of the whinge. I do want people to know I feel very, very grateful for our wonderful donor and I promise I'm not being all 'woe is me'. Sometimes once I start writing on this blog all my thoughts and feelings start coming out and I have to stop myself from turning my posts into an online pity party.

So how should I end this...life is hard but I'm luckier than so many others. I know I'll reach my goal- even if I'm a different person in the end. Hopefully a better one :)

Moving ahead with egg donation

Well it's been a crazy month or so. We have been getting to know our egg donor and her family a lot more through messages and Skype sessions, and plan to fly interstate to visit them all in a few weeks.  We also start mandatory counselling sessions next month and will hopefully be on track for a cycle in September or October!

When we started this process I thought that the ideal situation would be to have a known donor who was happy to have regular updates (e.g. emails, messages) but our donor is such a lovely person and seems keen to have a close connection that I am happy to follow her lead and get to know each other better. I know that our egg donor will not want to be over-involved in our lives and I feel lucky to have made a close connection with such a generous and selfless person.

My main concern at this stage is obviously that this won't work and we'll have to go back to the drawing board. My second concern is that we'll be successful once and then won't be able to use the same donor again. If we're lucky enough to get one embryo to transfer and then some frozen we have no idea if these frozen embryos will work when we want to transfer them down the track. There are so many possible scenarios running through my head but I suppose that is what the counselling is for. The good thing it that my husband and I seem to be on the same page about most things and are not second-guessing our decision.

I have to say it has been quite a relief to be able to do things that I would have avoided when cycling. I've had a few weekend wines, not felt as guilty about having chocolate, enjoyed long hot baths and in general feel less like infertility is dominating every decision of my life. I feel relaxed and content- although knowing my journey so far I know those feeling are likely to be temporary.

So we wait (ahh the waiting) and hope (yep I know that one too) and just see where this takes us :)

Cancer awareness and prevention

Recently a reader of my blog made a request for me to write a post raising awareness of mesothelioma (a rare and deadly cancer typically caused by exposure to asbestos). I wanted to help but it made me think of all the other cancers that had touched my life and how I could use my platform as a blogger to also draw awareness to these serious health issues as well. My father and grandfather have had skin cancer, my husband's father died of renal/liver cancer, my sister's sister-in-law is currently battling cervical cancer, and my husband's uncle is receiving treatment for bowel cancer.

So what can I do as a blogger? I believe my role can be to remind and encourage people to not put their health at the bottom of the 'to do' list. To do what they can to reduce their risk of developing these cancers in the first place, and to ensure they regularly monitor their bodies for changes and check with a medical professional when there is anything that concerns them.

My husband had a spot on his ear that I didn't like the look of but he didn't feel it was necessary to go to the doctors to have it checked out. After many, many months of nagging he had to go to the doctor for something else and I urged him to get the doctor to have a look at this spot. The doctor ended up referring him to a skin specialist who removed the spot because it was 'pre-cancerous'. I myself had to go to the doctor's last week and thought while I was there I would have a pap-smear as well. It was the knowledge of my sister's sister-in-law's cervical cancer that made me do it as I may have put it off otherwise. Obviously I would recommend that people get anything that concerns them checked out but I think it is also a good idea to use doctor's appointments for general check-ups of the whole body. Get spots on your skin checked, ask for a pap-smear, find out how to do a breast examination, enquire about a persistent cough,  and don't feel embarrassed to find out if your bowel movements are normal. Cancer is not something that happens to other people. It can happen to you and you should ask questions if you are concerned about anything.

To help reduce your risk of certain cancers avoid exposure to asbestos and other carcinogenic products, protect your skin from the sun, eat a healthy diet, exercise, stop smoking, limit alcohol intake, and have regular health checks.

Obviously I'm not a doctor but if I've made one person think about their health and the health of those around them then this post will be worthwhile.

In tribute to the lady who prompted this post. Please go to the website www.mesothelioma.com/ for more information on a lesser known but preventable cancer.

A new path: egg donation

Well where do I start...

The past few weeks have been full of so many emotions and new experiences. I am still trying to process the grief of knowing that we will no longer try to conceive with my own eggs while starting a whole new journey towards egg donation. This is not something that we've only just decided on but that we knew we would pursue if this most recent cycle failed. I've done a lot of research over the last few months and did a lot of groundwork in preparation for the egg donor option if we needed to go down this path.

We wanted our last IVF cycle to work so much. There was so much riding on it but knew deep down it was a long shot. Surprisingly I am getting through the days OK. I am grieving but I am also focused on our underlying goal all along- to have a family. We feel that after looking at all our options that egg donation will give us about best chance of having the family we have been working so hard for. I say this simply but of course there are many, many emotions that have had to be processed when coming to this decision; and which will continue to be processed into the future.

The amazing news is that we have an egg donor. Yes I can't believe how lucky we are. I connected with this amazing woman through my research into egg donation and she has offered to be our egg donor during the past week. I couldn't be more amazed by the unbelievingly generous offer to altruistically donate her eggs so that we can have a chance if becoming a family.

I have so many thoughts in my head and want to write it all down but for now I just wanted to let everyone know about the news that has us feeling both apprehensive and excited. All we want is a family and we have decided that as hard as it is for me to give up the biological link that at the end of the day the most important thing is love and connection. We want children. We want to be parents. We want a family. We know that for sure. I hope this is the path that will take us there...