A new doctor and a uterine biopsy

Yesterday I visited another clinic to see a doctor who specialises in the more controversial area of reproductive immunology. I had read about Natural Killer (NK) cells on different forums and noted that it tended to be a more common test in countries like the US and the UK. Here in Australia there are only two doctors that do the test- one in Sydney and one in Melbourne. I visited the doctor in Melbourne; Dr L (Monash IVF). He was straight to the point and after a few questions about my history and a flick through my thick folder of test results and procedures I was up on the examination table. I was expecting the biopsy to hurt a little but it hurt a LOT! Luckily it didn't take long and Dr L told me I did well. I bled quite a bit afterwards and felt quite crampy. I was given a pathology request form with a long list of tests that the doctor wanted me to have, which included some genetic tests that he also wanted my husband to be tested for. I went downstairs for the tests and was a little concerned when I saw the 18 vials they were going to fill with my blood. Yikes! I also had to provide two urine samples with one needing to be a mid-stream test. I'm sure I had less than 30ml in my bladder so I felt quite ridiculous handing in my jars afterwards. Luckily they said I had enough in the jars to be tested. So now I'm waiting until Friday for my results. I have to call Dr L and if my NK cells are high then I will have to have intralipid infusions as well as the prednisolone and clexane that I already take during my cycles. It is about 3 weeks until my FET and I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand I feel the hope that I always have for any month we try and on the other hand I feel apprehensive about the emotional drain that each cycle brings and the potential devastation I might feel if it doesn't work again...

Picking up the pieces

It's two weeks since our negative beta and I'm starting to feel normal again. I was in a pretty bad place when I knew our second IVF had failed and I had many low moments where I would cry, and cry, and wail and cry some more. I had my sisters baby shower in the middle of this and got through it in one piece. I've become quite good at being very happy and chatty around others and then collapsing in a heap when I'm on my own and the pain and emptiness roll in. I feel sometimes like I have a knife permanently wedged in my heart and that sometimes it hurts so hard I can hardly breathe and sometimes I get used to its presence and it is just a dull ache. When I see pregnant people or babies I feel it's sharpness again, and hurtful comments twist the blade with an acute pain that throbs down to the pit of my empty tummy. My sister had her baby just after the shower and I was scared to visit her. I was worried I would be angry, or jealous, or sad, or that I would breakdown like a crazy women. I didn't visit with all the family but went by myself the next day and I was so relieved to find that the dominant emotion I felt was happiness. I enjoyed meeting my new little nephew and felt love for him and closeness to my sister. While I have still had my crap moments in the past week I have started to feel better in the last few days. I'm laughing at work rather than avoiding people for fear of crying. I'm enjoying exercise rather than doing it because I should. I'm being intimate with my husband because I feel like it. It's so freeing to be able to make love without worrying about whether it is the right time of the month...I had almost forgotten what it was like. We have decided for sure this week that we will go ahead with a double embryo transfer next month and I'm feel good about this decision after some initial hesitance. So here I am. Today I am positive and happy but even though I know that happiness doesn't last forever I also know that sadness doesn't either. Life is always changing and I hope that these difficult years will end eventually and we will have a family of our own one day.

BFN for IVF#2...

Sigh. I knew it was coming but it still hurts. I did a few home pregnancy tests during the week and they were stark white. I cried off and on all day today- and not just a few tears but full blown sobbing in preparation for my beta result phone call in the afternoon. I asked the nurse for the actual beta number this time and she said "less than 1...which means that it didn't even try and implant". Gut-punch. I held it together as I tried to ask her questions about doing a FET when my dad  knocked at the door. I only had a sports bra on as I had been on the treadmill and had to quickly try and out a t-shirt on while talking to the nurse and answering the door. I knew I wasn't going to be able to contain myself if my dad came in and listened to me on the phone so I just said "bad time dad" and shut the door. I felt bad seeing his expression as he was probably wondering what was going on (he didn't know about the transfer). I got through the rest of the phone call with the nurse and asked the questions I needed to. I then hopped back onto the treadmill and wailed my way through another 15 minutes. I must have looked like a crazy person! My husband was not expecting me to be so upset when he got home as he thought I was prepared for the result. I was a little angry at him for not understanding how devastated I was with the confirmed negative result but I can't complain. He has been so great through this whole process. So...what now? I've decided to get my natural killer cells tested at another clinic as ours does not do this. They have asked me to call them on the day of my period and then come in on cycle day 21 for a uterine biopsy. If I test positive I will probably have to have intralipid infusions in addition to the prednisolone I already take. Luckily both clinics are happy for me to see the other at the same time. I've also been thinking the last few days about whether we continue with single embryo transfers or do a double transfer next time? Anyway, I think we're going to need time to digest this cycle before we can think ahead but my personality naturally looks to solve the problem. I think it's just easier to distract myself with new plans rather than stop and feel the pain that is so heavy in my heart...