Friday, 21 November 2014

The first trimester (after IF)

I'm sorry I've been such a terrible blogger. It's been a very busy month or so but even when I've had moments to spare I've logged onto my blog and just not know what to write...

Where do I start? I have had a few bleeds since my initial one in the two week wait and have basically been spotting the whole month. It has been pretty stressful but luckily everything seems to be ok and we had a heartbeat confirmed at 8 weeks- nice and strong at 164 beats per minute. The baby is growing on track and we are counting down the days to the next scan where hopefully everything will be ok. I suppose I've been reluctant to blog because I'm worried my nervousness about something going wrong will come across as a lack of excitement about this pregnancy. I don't  want people to feel I'm ungrateful for being lucky enough to get a BFP but know any post will be untruthful if I do not explain how I'm feeling. The few people who know keep asking "Are you excited?" and the honest answer is: "A little...but mostly I'm petrified something will go wrong". People who have not experienced infertility and have had normal pregnancies don't know what it feels like to be in the minority. But I do. I was in the 5% of people that didn't get pregnant in the first 12 months of trying and then the smaller minority that IVF didn't work for either. I'm used to hearing bad news and hate the fact that this means I can't just relax and expect that it will all be ok. I wish I could just enjoy being pregnant but the moments when I do start to think about actually holding a baby and being a parent my brain shuts these thoughts down and reminds me to prepare for the fact that something could still go wrong.

I never thought I was a pessimist but maybe I am...maybe this process has changed me? I know it sounds silly but I can't really remember what I was like before all this IF stuff. I know over the last few years in particular I've hated it when people said "think positively". What does that mean? I can't relate to being blindly optimistic and am more comfortable doing everything in my power to make sure everything goes well and then preparing for bad news just in case. I don't know whether that makes me sad or not but I suppose I've never been one to fake feelings or kid myself either. Shit happens and I'm definitely not immune.

I apologise for being so doom and gloom and hope I didn't upset anyone still trying for a baby that would love to be in my shoes. Trust me when I say I am so, so grateful to be pregnant and if everything looks good after the 12 week scan I know I'll start to relax a little more and feel more excited as the weeks pass. I am very much looking forward to growing a bump and having the reassurance of physical changes to ease my mind.

I'll probably wait to blog again after we have the next ultrasound as I would love to come back with good news rather than my ongoing worries. Thank you to everyone who comments for your ongoing support. I really appreciate it xoxo