Saturday, 18 July 2015

She's here...

I have a daughter.

I am a mummy.

No words can describe the significance of these two sentences.

All I can say was worth it. It was worth everything. And, I love her.

For those still on your journey I think of you all the time. I'm so sorry you are still waiting...and trying...and crying. I've been there and I will never forget it.

This will be my last blog post. I hope my words can offer something to someone out there in the big wide world who is looking for information that will help them on their infertility journey. I know I often sought comfort from the words of others online when those around me couldn't understand, or help.

Best of luck whoever you are. I hope you get everything you've dreamed of...because dreams can come true. I'm staring at mine right now.

Monday, 20 April 2015

2 months to go!

I'm still here I promise. As I type I'm getting some very strong kicks from bubs and as uncomfortable as some of them are I love, love, love the reassurance that everything is still going ok. I feel like it has been so long since my BFP and I just hope the next few months flies by and our little baby is here safe and sound before too long. I still live in fear that something will go wrong but I think that is just infertility brain.

There have been some challenging moments emotionally over the last few months as I contine to process having a child that is not genetically half mine and half my husbands. I hate to admit it and wish I didn't have those thoughts but sometimes I still feel sad that 'normal' IVF didn't work and I won't know the feeling of looking into eyes that resemble my own.. I  don't know if that sounds narcisstic but I do have pangs of grief that I have to work through and that sometimes bring about negative responses that I wish I didn't display. I think it's a work in process and I know once the baby is here I will love it more than anything- I already do. 

So now I'm just focusing on getting through the last trimester as healthy and prepared as I can. I know that once the baby is born it will be a new and different world and I hope it is as great as I imagine. It's been 4 years since I started this journey with my husband and to see the finish line finally in sight is both scary and exciting (scary only because I worry something will take us right back to the start). I hope everything goes well :)

Sunday, 18 January 2015

Starting to relax

I'm so sorry for the long absence. I'm not sure whether it's infertility guilt (i.e. feeling bad about having success when others haven't), anxiety that I'll jinx everything, or just feeling worried that I can't share as much because too much detail will make it difficult to stay anonymous in the significantly smaller egg donor community. It's probably all three.

I'm thrilled to say that I have not had any further bleeding and that the 12 week scan couldn't have gone better. The first trimester seemed to drag on so slowly and I thought that first important ultrasound would never arrive. I was so unbelievably nervous beforehand but the image of our little one moving around was such a massive relief I can't even describe it.

I've slowly started to relax as the days and weeks have gone by and I can't believe it won't be too long before I'm halfway! My belly has started to show in the last few weeks and I love it. In the many months/years of infertility I'd often push my stomach out or put something up my top to imagine being pregnant and it is so nice to not have to pretend anymore. I find that a lot now. I used to walk past the baby or maternity section of certain shops and feel somewhat self-conscious if someone caught me browsing, I find I can now actually look in these sections without worrying that someone will "bust" me.

I still can't say things like "when the baby arrives..." and instead still say "if we get that far...". I think that's infertility brain and just knowing that things don't always work out that way you think, or the way you want to.

It's been so nice to have people react so emotionally when they've found out we are expecting. I could be quite bitter at times in the past few years; not thinking that others really understood what we were going through. While I know that they will probably never get fully get it the fact that they are so obviously happy for us helps me feel like they really were rooting for us and maybe just didn't quite know how to show it at the time. I wanted to share that as I know for those of you still on your IF journey that it can be an isolating time and that you can feel like others just don't care. I love the fact that the pizza guy ran out after our dinner to wish us congratulations jand that many of our extended friends have been tearful when we've told them. I think I was most surprised by these reactions as my the reaction from my own family was much more low key. My mum simply said "oh that's lovely- I'll make sure I keep it under my hat", and my dad just said a few simple words of congratulations which I would have secretly liked to have a bit more enthusiasm. I'm learning to just deal with this and realise that is just who they are...

So for now I'm just enjoying getting closer each day. We have regular contact with our donor- which is very important- and it's great to share the milestones with her. I hope everything continues to go smoothly and we have a healthy baby by the middle of the year :)