Starting to relax

I'm so sorry for the long absence. I'm not sure whether it's infertility guilt (i.e. feeling bad about having success when others haven't), anxiety that I'll jinx everything, or just feeling worried that I can't share as much because too much detail will make it difficult to stay anonymous in the significantly smaller egg donor community. It's probably all three.

I'm thrilled to say that I have not had any further bleeding and that the 12 week scan couldn't have gone better. The first trimester seemed to drag on so slowly and I thought that first important ultrasound would never arrive. I was so unbelievably nervous beforehand but the image of our little one moving around was such a massive relief I can't even describe it.

I've slowly started to relax as the days and weeks have gone by and I can't believe it won't be too long before I'm halfway! My belly has started to show in the last few weeks and I love it. In the many months/years of infertility I'd often push my stomach out or put something up my top to imagine being pregnant and it is so nice to not have to pretend anymore. I find that a lot now. I used to walk past the baby or maternity section of certain shops and feel somewhat self-conscious if someone caught me browsing, I find I can now actually look in these sections without worrying that someone will "bust" me.

I still can't say things like "when the baby arrives..." and instead still say "if we get that far...". I think that's infertility brain and just knowing that things don't always work out that way you think, or the way you want to.

It's been so nice to have people react so emotionally when they've found out we are expecting. I could be quite bitter at times in the past few years; not thinking that others really understood what we were going through. While I know that they will probably never get fully get it the fact that they are so obviously happy for us helps me feel like they really were rooting for us and maybe just didn't quite know how to show it at the time. I wanted to share that as I know for those of you still on your IF journey that it can be an isolating time and that you can feel like others just don't care. I love the fact that the pizza guy ran out after our dinner to wish us congratulations jand that many of our extended friends have been tearful when we've told them. I think I was most surprised by these reactions as my the reaction from my own family was much more low key. My mum simply said "oh that's lovely- I'll make sure I keep it under my hat", and my dad just said a few simple words of congratulations which I would have secretly liked to have a bit more enthusiasm. I'm learning to just deal with this and realise that is just who they are...

So for now I'm just enjoying getting closer each day. We have regular contact with our donor- which is very important- and it's great to share the milestones with her. I hope everything continues to go smoothly and we have a healthy baby by the middle of the year :)