Sunday, 22 June 2014

A new path: egg donation

Well where do I start...

The past few weeks have been full of so many emotions and new experiences. I am still trying to process the grief of knowing that we will no longer try to conceive with my own eggs while starting a whole new journey towards egg donation. This is not something that we've only just decided on but that we knew we would pursue if this most recent cycle failed. I've done a lot of research over the last few months and did a lot of groundwork in preparation for the egg donor option if we needed to go down this path.

We wanted our last IVF cycle to work so much. There was so much riding on it but knew deep down it was a long shot. Surprisingly I am getting through the days OK. I am grieving but I am also focused on our underlying goal all along- to have a family. We feel that after looking at all our options that egg donation will give us about best chance of having the family we have been working so hard for. I say this simply but of course there are many, many emotions that have had to be processed when coming to this decision; and which will continue to be processed into the future.

The amazing news is that we have an egg donor. Yes I can't believe how lucky we are. I connected with this amazing woman through my research into egg donation and she has offered to be our egg donor during the past week. I couldn't be more amazed by the unbelievingly generous offer to altruistically donate her eggs so that we can have a chance if becoming a family.

I have so many thoughts in my head and want to write it all down but for now I just wanted to let everyone know about the news that has us feeling both apprehensive and excited. All we want is a family and we have decided that as hard as it is for me to give up the biological link that at the end of the day the most important thing is love and connection. We want children. We want to be parents. We want a family. We know that for sure. I hope this is the path that will take us there...

Saturday, 14 June 2014

And so this is my life...

"So this is my life.
     And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad
           and I'm trying to figure out how that could be"
                                         -The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Sunday, 8 June 2014

It's over

Well that's it. It's over. No more embryos. 

After 3 years of tests, appointments, procedures, supplements, acupuncture, needles, crazy drugs, hormones, six IVF cycles, 81 retreived eggs, 5 transferred embryos and many, many tears it is all over. We cannot have biological children.

I'm tired and I'm numb.

Thursday, 5 June 2014

Deja vu

Yes this cycle is feeling awfully familiar...

Yesterday we still had 13 embryos growing on day 2. They were mostly 3 cell with a few at 4 cell and a few at the 2 cell stage. Quality ranged from B to D. Today we were down to 6 embryos; 1 x 6 cell with more than 30% fragmentation, 1 x 5 cell with less than 10% fragmentation and 4 x 4 cell with varying degrees of fragmentation. I was at work in the morning and could see my nurse ringing on my phone. I couldn't answer it but my heart sank when I saw it as I knew it meant bad news. She was ringing early to suggest we transfer today but as I couldn't call back until lunchtime and we still live a few hours away that was no longer possible. She said we also had the option of a 4 day transfer tomorrow but I just couldn't imagine the thought of getting in the car this afternoon, driving down to a hotel, staying the night and driving to the clinic in the morning just to be told the rest had stopped developing too. Also, we've transferred 5 other embryos at earlier stages (day 2) and none of them ever took so I don't believe returning them to my uterine environment earlier is necessarily any better. So after speaking with the embryologist, my nurse, my doctor through my nurse, and of course my husband we have decided to wait one more day. If any embryos are still developing we will stick with our original 'blastocyst or bust' plan and do a day 5 transfer but otherwise we will have nothing and my hopes of a biological child will be over. I think our best hope is the 5 cell embryo with less than 10% fragmentation. It's slower but it may by some miracle catch up. It has got a lot of pressure on it- poor thing. So we just wait (again) until tomorrow...

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

Egg retrieval (EPU) results and fertilisation report

Well we got 27 eggs yesterday. I felt pretty sore afterwards but luckily wasn't sick like last time. I asked the nurses for some IV fluids in recovery just to try and compensate for the fluid I would have lost for the follicle aspiration. I was able to eat fairly quickly after I came out of anaesthesia and drank heaps of water and coconut water on the long drive home. The nurses wanted to give me panadeine forte but I don't respond well to codeine so the paracetamol and heat-packs were a pretty good replacement. I know protein is the best for for preventing OHSS but I just could not resist some McDonald's fries on the way home. I've been eating so well for so long and it was pure heaven to be able to eat something without feeling guilty that I was compromising egg quality. I made up for my junk food treat by having salmon and vegetables for tea ;)

I slept reasonably well but woke up in a panic that I had taken a double dose of dexamethasone the day before in my post-anaesthetic haze. So much for a sleep in. I couldn't get back to sleep so decided to lie in bed for a while, take my first pessary and then spend the rest of the day taking it fairly easy on the couch. 

My nurse rang around 10am with our fertilisation results. Out of 27 eggs, 23 were mature and 13 fertilised successful using HA-ICSI. She also mentioned that there were 5 eggs they we still waiting on to see if they would fertilise late but didn't want to get my hopes up. 

So now we wait. Again. We are 'blastocyst or bust' so if our embryos start to arrest around day 3 or 4 we'll be pretty devastated. 

Thanks to everyone who has been dropping by- I know you're out there because I can see my page visits go up - I really appreciate the support :)