Friday, 27 December 2013

The end of another year

Christmas and New Year's celebrations are a particularly tough time. This is the third Christmas I have been hoping to have a nice bump for the family to be excited about over the festive season but unfortunately that has not yet been the case. The end of the year is an acute reminder that another 12 months has passed without a pregnancy- especially with all the cute baby and pregnancy photos dominating facebook posts and Christmas cards . I remember kissing my husband after the New Year's countdown for the past few years and us both wishing that the year to follow was going to be the one when our family would start. This New Year's Eve we will have the same wish but with more experience and heartbreak the hope is tainted with fear and fatigue. 2013 was the year we started IVF: the solution to our problems. There were SO many pregnancies and births this year for friends and family  but our two fresh IVF cycles and one FET were unsuccessful. I know this post may sound dreary and self-pitying but reflecting on our journey makes me realise how far we've come and how strong we have been to get through the challenges we've had. One of the best pieces of news I received just before Christmas was the announcement by a friend that she was pregnant after her sixth IVF cycle. She has a similar history of endometriosis/unexplained infertility and went through the same clinic as I did before moving to the clinic we have already made contact with. She has given us some great advice and has made me feel much more hopeful that it will happen for us eventually. So here's to the end of 2013...please, please, please let 2014 be our year!

Monday, 9 December 2013

"Let go or be dragged"

Infertility is a heavy thing. It can be a journey marred with bitterness, heartache, loneliness, jealousy, frustration, confusion, anxiety and hopelessness. I don't think anyone could come out the other side and reflect that "it wasn't too bad". It is definitely an experience that only those who have been through could understand. I have never believed in suppressing feelings yet I also don't think that hanging onto negative feelings is a good thing. When I have been sad about my failure to get pregnant I have tried to feel the pain and then move forward. The zen proverb "let go or be dragged" was one that resonated with me a lot when I came across it about six months ago. It confirmed the importance of moving forward; of knowing that something becomes heavier the longer you carry it. It is hard to be positive sometimes (ok a lot of the time) but I know that I will be wasting opportunities to enjoy life if I keep dwelling on what I don't have instead of being grateful for what I do have. So I encourage anyone going through infertility to try and let go of the hurt wherever possible- or risk being dragged under by its heavy weight.