Wednesday, 18 September 2013
Picking up the pieces
It's two weeks since our negative beta and I'm starting to feel normal again. I was in a pretty bad place when I knew our second IVF had failed and I had many low moments where I would cry, and cry, and wail and cry some more. I had my sisters baby shower in the middle of this and got through it in one piece. I've become quite good at being very happy and chatty around others and then collapsing in a heap when I'm on my own and the pain and emptiness roll in. I feel sometimes like I have a knife permanently wedged in my heart and that sometimes it hurts so hard I can hardly breathe and sometimes I get used to its presence and it is just a dull ache. When I see pregnant people or babies I feel it's sharpness again, and hurtful comments twist the blade with an acute pain that throbs down to the pit of my empty tummy. My sister had her baby just after the shower and I was scared to visit her. I was worried I would be angry, or jealous, or sad, or that I would breakdown like a crazy women. I didn't visit with all the family but went by myself the next day and I was so relieved to find that the dominant emotion I felt was happiness. I enjoyed meeting my new little nephew and felt love for him and closeness to my sister. While I have still had my crap moments in the past week I have started to feel better in the last few days. I'm laughing at work rather than avoiding people for fear of crying. I'm enjoying exercise rather than doing it because I should. I'm being intimate with my husband because I feel like it. It's so freeing to be able to make love without worrying about whether it is the right time of the month...I had almost forgotten what it was like. We have decided for sure this week that we will go ahead with a double embryo transfer next month and I'm feel good about this decision after some initial hesitance. So here I am. Today I am positive and happy but even though I know that happiness doesn't last forever I also know that sadness doesn't either. Life is always changing and I hope that these difficult years will end eventually and we will have a family of our own one day.