Life lessons

Life is not a fairy tale. There is not only one heartache followed by happily ever after but rather an ongoing cycle of ups and downs throughout our time on earth. Sometimes these downs extend for long periods of time and you wonder if it will ever end. Infertility is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. It is the lowest of all the lows in my life so far and I hope there will be no lower point- but there may be. Sometimes when you think life has given you more than enough gut punches it will give you another when you're pleading for mercy. I don't believe that I deserve this anymore than I believe that I don't deserve this. I don't take these hits personally as I believe that life is neither fair nor unfair- it just is...life. This is a down point in my life but I am not alone. I don't believe there is a person alive who has only experienced highs just as I don't believe there is anyone who has only experienced lows. Do I wish I was having babies when all my friends were? The answer is of course more than anything. Unfortunately I have to play the hand I have been dealt and just get on with it. I can let these negative experiences shape me for the better or worse. I can learn from them and hopefully grow as a person. I hope that one day these experiences shape me to be a better mother and that I can be grateful for the lessons I have learnt along the way...

High natural killer cells and a change of plan

I received a call yesterday from the doctor in Melbourne who did my uterine biopsy (Dr L) and he confirmed that I had high natural killer (NK) cells. I can't remember the exact number but he said something about it being "over 20"- which was apparently quite elevated. I took the news well but became really worried when he said that if he was overseeing my planned FET he wouldn't be prescribing Clomid (as my original doctor had) and would instead do a down-regulation cycle with the birth control pill and Synarel nasal spray followed by stimulating hormones before transfer and then a mix of clexane, dexamethasone and progesterone after transfer. He also recommended Intralipid infusions 7-14 days before transfer. Due to the fact that I had been spotting for a few weeks and was due my period any day he suggested starting BCP's immediately- which would mean a delay in my planned frozen embryo transfer for another month. The fact that his plan was so vastly different from my original doctor sent me into a whirlwind of panic and doubt. I called my clinic and was told my original doctor was away. I spoke (aka sobbed like a mad woman) to the nurse and relayed my concern about the original plan. She didn't seem to think that Dr L tests and ideas were any better than what they had already been doing but said she would speak with my doctor and see if he was willing to implement Dr L's suggestions. I felt so confused about whether to continue with my original clinic as I just didn't feel they were concerned enough about my treatment. I started to think that transferring our embryos to Monash IVF and seeing Dr L exclusively would be a better idea. After speaking with one of their nurses she brought me down to earth by explaining that the process of transferring embryos and starting with their clinic wouldn't be quick and that we may be looking at next year before we proceeded with any cycle. Luckily the nurse from my original clinic called back and said they were happy to proceed with Dr L's  plan. I don't wont bore anyone with the rest of the details of yesterday but needless to say I was exhausted by the afternoon after endless phone calls, much Internet searching and a quick trip to get an ultrasound at my clinic. The felt I needed to have a proper period before I started the birth control pill so I will start it on day 5 of my cycle (next Tuesday). Sigh. What a roller coaster infertility treatment is. I hate being delayed as every week feels like a month but I suppose I should be grateful that we have a plan :)