Well we're back on the horse again so to speak. We have changed clinics and will be now be receiving treatment through Monash IVF in Melbourne with the doctor I consulted with last year about natural killer cells. We have no more embryos at our other clinic and are hopefully making a fresh start with a brand new plan. It has been more stressful as the new clinic is a long way to travel but I hope that it will all be worth it. This will be our third fresh IVF cycle and fifth cycle overall as we've had two frozen embryo transfers. I am on A LOT of new drugs that are very expensive. For example my progesterone in oil (PIO) injections are $50+ a shot and my SciTropin (Human Growth Hormone) is $100+ a shot on top of the Gonal-F, Menopur, Ovidrel, Dexamethasone, Melatonin, Aspirin, Androderm patches, Orgalutran, Clexane injections, Augmentin antibiotic, Pregynl injections, Estradot patches and my intralipid infusions!!! Then I have to take Vitamin D, CoQ10, Fish oil and a multivitamin. My husband is also on antibiotics during my stimulation phase which is new. I feel exhausted just thinking about it all...
I was hoping to save my sick days as I know this new cycle is going to require a lot more time off work but unfortunately I came down with gastroenteritis yesterday. It was awful and by body was aching by the end of it from all the vomiting. I almost went to work today as I was feeling much better but decided to take another day's sick leave to recoup my energy and get some other errands done. Our saving have taken a massive hit over the past year and they are getting very low. My husband is trying to do more weekend work and we're not spending money on anything that is not essential.
There was another baby born yesterday to a close friend. I received the text in between vomiting bouts. This will be about the 10th baby born to a close friend since we started trying for ours. I feel empty and angry and sad and tired. I use the word 'joypathy' to describe my reaction to other people's pregnancy/birth announcements as I feel happy for them but not for me. It's been nearly 3 years of trying to conceive but it feels like 30. I'd love to say I'm pumped about this next cycle but I'm not. The only positive news we've had over the past few years is my husband's sperm results and when our embryos have fertilised. I'm sick of failure, disappointment and overwhelming grief. I've become very good at smiling, laughing and being social when all I want to do is sit at home and watch TV. I don't really want to speak to anyone other than my husband. I'm not depressed but have definitely changed. We have learnt so much about ourselves, and others. I have become closer with certain people and more distant from others. I know who my supports are and which people feel more comfortable avoiding me. I have learnt to be grateful for all the wonderful things in my life yet cannot release the weight of the constant desire to have a family. It is in my thoughts almost constantly. I'm sending my love and positive energy to anyone on a similar journey. Infertility is such an isolating journey but knowing you are not alone is so important.
