Wondering where the chips will fall this time...

As always my head is a bundle of thoughts and emotions as we edge closer to our egg donor pick up: "Please let this be it... I don't know what will happen if this doesn't work...I feel like I don't have much left in the tank, and I'm worried about what will happen once I'm running on empty...I don't really even feel likely living sometimes-just existing...please, please let this work...etc"

In addition to my worries I have a huge ball of suppressed hope and excitement bubbling away inside as well. It is definitely not the dominant presence as my protective shield is super-strong and likes to push aside these 'risky'' positive thoughts. My brain is definitely screwed up from infertility.

It's strange when you're not actually growing the eggs anymore. I usually feel guilty about eating chocolate, fried food and sugar because of fears that it will effect my egg quality. Now that I won't be using my own eggs I am less strict with my diet. You would think that I would be enjoying the freedom of eating what I feel like but for some reason it makes me feel sad sometimes that it doesn't matter anymore. I think it all makes me feel sad sometimes to be honest.

Now I don't want everyone to think I'm just crying in the corner each day and moping around thinking "poor me". I sometimes go to delete the things I've written on this blog for fear that it will just be seen as a heap of negative dribble, but I stop myself as I know it's cathartic to get those feelings out somewhere. I am still happy (or not sad) for the most part and the egg donor process has touched me more than any other experience in my life so far. There are so many wonderful people I have met and the selflessness of my donor and her family is just beyond heart-warming. The fact that someone feels that my husband and I are special enough to be given such a precious gift is something that brings tears to my eyes as I type this. I genuinely feel lucky to have been able to experience this process- as hard as it is at times.

In preparation for transfer I have had a couple of appointments with a naturopath/Bowen therapist. I expected some sort of massage combined with general feedback on my health but I did not expect the intensity of the experience. The treatment was excruciating and she told me that I had the worst hips she'd seen in 20 years. She said my lower abdomen lacked blood flow (all three acupuncturists I have seen said my belly was "stagnant") and worked hard over the two sessions to get everything "unlocked". I'm not going to lie- I cried...a lot. It was so, so painful as she pushed and flicked and rubbed my muscles and tendons. I had to ask her to stop at times but I didn't want to cancel the appointment in case she was the one person who could actually help me. In moments where I was able to actually open my eyes I could see the therapists dog being very amorous with a soft pillow...I could only laugh inside at how ridiculous it all was. Me crying and puffing like I was in labour, the therapist chatting away like I was lying calmly on the table and the dog humping a pillow in the corner. 

I was bruised and battered after the first session but being the sucker for punishment I am I booked in for another session. This session involved slightly less crying and puffing but I was shocked when after some pulling and manipulation of my legs a large CRACK in my hips was heard. The therapist immediately teared up and apologised for her reaction; saying that she felt it was all going to be ok for me now as everything had "opened up". She kept working on me for a while before asking if I believed in "guides". I knew she meant spiritual guides and answered "not really". She then went on to tell me that she is not psychic but had to tell me that she felt a strong presence of a baby boy. She explained that she had only had the same experience two other times in her career and the person had become pregnant shortly after. I didn't really know what to think...I wanted to believe she was right but my inner skeptic also stopped me from getting too hopeful. I have been given different predictions before and they had not eventuated so I tried to take her comments with a grain of salt and felt grateful for her desire to pass on whatever she felt. 

So...it's nearly time. As always we are hoping it goes well but know we just have to see where the chips lie..