O-week. This used to be the week of partying and fun for 'orientation' before university started. It didn't matter if it was your first year or Uni or not- you still joined in with all your friends.O-week has a whole new meaning now that we are trying to conceive. It's the week of OPK tests, careful monitoring of my BBT before I get up every morning and timed sex with my husband. It's nowhere near as fun as O-week at University- even with all the time in the bedroom! Things sure have changed since my studying days. The week of ovulation is a mixture of cautious excitement, stress about whether you're timing everything right and that other feeling that is difficult to describe- the one you have when you've failed before and think it will probably happen again. Trying to conceive each month is an unusual experience, especially if you're someone like me who has difficulty doing things that you know you're not good at. I hate feeling like there is nothing I can do. Usually, if I'm bad at something I try to approach it differently, develop new skills to do it better or get advice from people who are better than me. When you're trying to have a baby and it's not working there is not a lot you can do other than "cross your fingers and uncross your legs" as one of my friends politely put it. Doctors have similar advice- they just word it nicer- and you have to try and go on your merry way pretending you're actually enjoying the whole process. I feel like such a fraud when people ask me when I'm going to have kids and I make some off-hand comment about work and not being ready just yet.
I think rather than trying to change what is happening I need to work out what I can learn from it.So I'm going to finish this post with what I think I've gained out of this trying to conceive journey...
1) Better health- I'm definitely eating better, exercising more and sleeping better
2) Confirmation that my husband and I both want to be parents more than anything
3) Patience (although this is a work in progress!)
4) Time to think about how we want to raise our children
5) The knowledge that my husband and I can support each other during challenging times
I know that we are so lucky to have everything that we do. Writing this blog is very therapeutic as it helps me to realise this fact and focus on the positives in my life so that I can be more grateful and feel less dejected each month. I am starting to learn that this is not so much an attempt to make egg meet with sperm but a personal journey that would be wasted if I don't see the opportunity for growth in myself and my relationship with my husband. Maybe trying to get pregnant is one of those revealations of character? A life challenge that tests who you are and how you can handle something that pushes you physically, mentally and spiritually? I think the longer I'm TTC the more I see it as a journey of self. I believe- as Sir Edmund Hilary did after he had climbed Mt Everest- "It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves".