Tuesday, 4 June 2013

11dp2dt BFN :(

Today is 11 days past our 2 day embryo transfer (11dp2dt). I have had no urge to test until this morning.  I woke hot and sweaty in the middle of the night and felt I just had to do a test to stop the constant back-and-forth in my mind of whether the cycle had worked. I had not felt positive since the transfer and felt even less hopeful when none of our three remaining embryos lasted past the 4-cell stage. I didn't cry when I saw the BFN. I haven't cried all day. I have tried to understand what emotion I am actually feeling and although anger, sadness, confusion, fear, jealousy and hopelessness are all swirling around I have decided that in the end I just feel tired...so so tired....and empty. This process is so long. I hope I look back one day and it all feels like it flew by but right now I feel like time is passing at a snails pace for us while everyone else whizzes right past. I want to press pause on all the people with kids or pregnancies and yell "STOP!. WAIT FOR ME TO CATCH UP!!!!". I am worried my body rejected the embryo as I had felt quite tender in the breasts until my fever-like symptoms last night. I keep racing through the possible reasons for a failed cycle but right now I just want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep...

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