I haven't felt up to writing a post for a while. The past few weeks have been probably the worst in my life. The knowledge that we may never have biological children is a pain I can't adequetely describe. It catches my breath when I realise how enormous the reality of this is and that it is not a dream we will wake up from but a truth that feels too awful to imagine. I have been doing a lot of research into egg donation and embryo adoption and while it is an option we are grateful to have we still need to grieve the possibility that we may never have children that look a little bit like both of us; that are 100% ours. There is still the possibility of doing another cycle with our own eggs and sperm but it is a lot of money and emotional energy for a low chance of success. We are in the airport at the moment ready to fly up to Sydney for a sperm DNA test for my husband (Sperm Chromatin Structure Assay). If this is fine we can be fairly certain we have an egg quality issue. If the results are not fine we have decided to pursue embryo adoption. A sperm donor is obviously an option but I know it is something my husband is not completely comfortable with and we both said we need to be certain in order to move forward. I am more comfortable with egg donation as I feel I have the added benefit of carrying the child and forming a special bond in that way (if I can even get pregnant).
We are both tired and hurting. I don't like this real life stuff...where is the Hollywood ending??? I feel I've been duped by all the rom-coms where everything works out in the end and only wish it were that way in reality. We are grateful for each other and or health and are very much trying to focus on the things we are lucky to have but it is still tough. I know I've said it befor but can we please fast-forward to when we have a family? I know we will have one some way at some point but I just wish something could stop this pain right now...
I thought you wouldn't write a for months after that awful last cycle ..great to see you sharing again but feel your pain in your last few posts...its been a tough tough time for you both xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Sophie. It has been very hard but I try wherever possible to move forward if I can. Throughout this whole process I believe that it is beneficial to feel the pain, talk about it and then walk through it rather than sit with it for too long. It is good to shift focus and look for new plans. How are you going? I hope you're well xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteSo true..I also allow myself to go through the pain for a few days after disappointment, then move on. My husband now knows I have this process of grieving terribly, then he waits for me to bounce back [I always do amazingly as you seem to also?? as never feel it will happen in the dark moments] then new hope sets in again...Ahhh good old hope! Love to you xxx
ReplyDeleteI can completely understand that feeling of everything being a (bad) dream you just want to wake up from. It's so hard to come to terms with the fact that the happy ending you've always assumed would be there may not look like you expected. Not to get all preachy on you but one of the quotes that I always have in the back of my mind through all of this is "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us". Sometimes it helps me try to put things in perspective for myself. Sometimes not.
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs.
Hi Chickin :) Thanks for your words of support and I do love your saying. I've popped over to your blog and just wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your little Petey. I know you commented on my post about relating to my pain at the loss of being able to have a biological child but I can only imagine the agony of losing a biological child. You must be a very strong woman to be able to support others through your own grief. Thank you once again and I hope both of us get to experience the joy of a family someday- even if it was different to the way we once imagined...xoxo
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