Saturday, 22 March 2014

And then there were none...

There are no words to describe how we are feeling. Our worst fears have come true...our embryos do not grow to blast. With our other cycles we always transferred Day 2 embryos but the fact that we never had a beta result over 0 made me fear that they just stopped growing not long after they were put back. I counted how many eggs we have retrieved since our first IVF and was shocked that it was over 50. While not all of them fertilised I couldn't believe that that many eggs had resulted in nothing.  That's also in addition to the two years of trying to conceive naturally. While I think my doctor will probably want to cycle again I just don't know if I can do it. We've spent more than $50,000 on assisted reproduced (including natural medicine) and the emotional and physical toll have became almost too much. We have very little savings left and my body feels like it doesn't even belong to me anymore. Adoption in Australia is almost impossible so our options are to continue with IVF or look at third party reproduction (donor sperm, donor eggs, donor embryos). We were concerned that the fact that our embryos arrested mostly on day 3 and 4 may indicate an unidentified sperm issue but I just don't know how I feel about sperm donation in the sense that I would be genetically related to the child but my husband wouldn't. For some reason I feel more comfortable about embryo donation.  I know it eliminates the possibility that I will have biological children but I just feel that with everything my husband and I have been through I want to go through the next step together. 

I'm tired. Very tired.  I feel 100 years old.  Our friends lives seems so simple and straight-forward. I am jealous and angry and so desperately sad. I wanted 2014 to be our year...and maybe it will be...but maybe it won't be too...


  1. I don't know what to say as there is nothing that can make you feel any better right now, but just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. I so wish I could give you a big hug. I'm sitting here on night duty reading with tears rolling down my cheeks as I'm so sad for you and can feel your pain right through. It isn't fair.

  2. Thanks Sophie. It has been very, very hard. I know you feel my pain and I wish it was something we didn't have to share. I so very much appreciate all your kind words this cycle. They have definitely meant a lot xoxo