Friday, 30 May 2014

33 follicles

Yikes. I'm still confused. I've had two scans this week and while I was hoping for lower follicles numbers (with the hope of higher quality eggs) my body has decided to be as oppositional as ever and has decided to grow heaps instead. I'm only on 112.5 Puregon so I can't work out why I have so many. They've been growing slower than last time and so I'm due for my 10,000 HCG trigger shot on Sunday night for egg retrieval (EPU) on Tuesday (CD 16). I'm very worried about OHSS as I came very close last time and it wasn't fun. I also found the Cabergoline (anti-OHSS drug) awful. I feel a bit unclear of how it's all going to go. The technicians who did my ultrasounds were unfamiliar with the process so I'm nervous about the accuracy of their reports. All I can do is trust that everything is going as good as it can.

Everyone keeps saying to stay positive and I just nod and smile. I don't know why I can't feel optimistic but my brain just seems to push down any glimmers of hope in an effort to protect my heart from the pain of further disappointment and overwhelming grief. I almost feel as though people are thinking "does she even want this?" as I am hardly a beacon of excitement and positivity. I hope they understand the drive and determination needed to do 6 IVF cycles in 13 months. I couldn't have gone through numerous blood tests, scans, procedures, drugs, needles and appointments on top of all the financial, emotional and social sacrifices if I didn't want this more than anything in the whole world.

So now we wait for next Tuesday. I hope it all goes well...


  1. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, but I can imagine why. I feel like I've come to a place of numbness in my world (though we have very different journeys). I can't get excited or emotionally attached. It's too risky for my fragile heart. I'm afraid that if it breaks that hard again that I'll never be able to piece it back together.

    Good luck on Tuesday!!!

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  3. Well said. No I don't think many people do understand. We have close friends who have did one cycle of IVF and had their twins on that first cycle, family complete [which is fantastic for them, and love their story] They thought it was a wonderful exciting experience. I get lumped into the same box as them by our other friends. They don't understand what it is like to do numerous cycles, have cancelled cycles, become very ill during cycles, and grieve over countless dead embryos, not to mention all the things you discuss above. Its not wonderful and its not exciting. But yes we want this very much. Really hope it goes well for you tomorrow, Soph xxxx