An ultrasound...

No it's not what you think. I wish :-) Two days ago I had an ultrasound to see if I could find out why I was spotting. It wasn't my first ultrasound. Way back in September I had an ultrasound after a particularly heavy bleed about a week after my period. The ultrasound indicated there may be a dermoid cyst and my gynacologist provided me with a referral to go back and have a repeat ultrasound. No explanation was given for my pre-period spotting and the gynacologist told me that I only had to go back for an ultrasound if I really wanted to. My GP felt there was no need so I left it. A few weeks ago I decided to go back to see if an ultrasound would find anything that may be contributing to my spotting. So there I was on Tuesday...less than thrilled that I had a student examining me with the vaginal ultrasound wand. She took a looooong time to find what she was looking for and I had to sit there while the actual ultrasound technician (is that what they're called?) sighed and literally banged her head against the wall in frustration as she explained what the student was supposed to do- it was obviously not the first time the younger lady had been told. I felt sorry for her but just bit my lip and hoped she got it over and done with quickly. They didn't find a dermoid cyst but they did see something else in my right ovary- a corpus luteum. In other words I had ovulated already or was just about to ovulate. It was only day 12 of my cycle and my OPK's had not shown anything! Aaaagh! The ultrasound technician said to me "You need to go home and have intercourse straight away". I had to laugh despite my concern that we may have missed our chance. While I was still lying there in a less-than-modest position she also said that my cycle obviously wasn't optimal for conception if I was spotting early and ovulating earlier than my OPK was showing. She suggested seeing a fertility specialist. I instantly thought back to my psychic appointment where I had been told that I may need assisted fertility treatments for one of my children. Needless to say I didn't take my time driving home after my appointment- ringing my husband from the parking lot before I left to make sure he was home. No complaints from him :-) So it's just fingers crossed now...I'll let you know how it goes.

The school of TTC: O-week and lessons learnt

O-week. This used to be the week of partying and fun for 'orientation' before university started. It didn't matter if it was your first year or Uni or not- you still joined in with all your friends.O-week has a whole new meaning now that we are trying to conceive. It's the week of OPK tests, careful monitoring of my BBT before I get up every morning and timed sex with my husband. It's nowhere near as fun as O-week at University- even with all the time in the bedroom! Things sure have changed since my studying days. The week of ovulation is a mixture of cautious excitement, stress about whether you're timing everything right and that other feeling that is difficult to describe- the one you have when you've failed before and think it will probably happen again. Trying to conceive each month is an unusual experience, especially if you're someone like me who has difficulty doing things that you know you're not good at. I hate feeling like there is nothing I can do. Usually, if I'm bad at something I try to approach it differently, develop new skills to do it better or get advice from people who are better than me. When you're trying to have a baby and it's not working there is not a lot you can do other than "cross your fingers and uncross your legs" as one of my friends politely put it. Doctors have similar advice- they just word it nicer- and you have to try and go on your merry way pretending you're actually enjoying the whole process. I feel like such a fraud when people ask me when I'm going to have kids and I make some off-hand comment about work and not being ready just yet.
I think rather than trying to change what is happening I need to work out what I can learn from it.So I'm going to finish this post with what I think I've gained out of this trying to conceive journey... 1) Better health- I'm definitely eating better, exercising more and sleeping better 2) Confirmation that my husband and I both want to be parents more than anything 3) Patience (although this is a work in progress!) 4) Time to think about how we want to raise our children 5) The knowledge that my husband and I can support each other during challenging times I know that we are so lucky to have everything that we do. Writing this blog is very therapeutic as it helps me to realise this fact and focus on the positives in my life so that I can be more grateful and feel less dejected each month. I am starting to learn that this is not so much an attempt to make egg meet with sperm but a personal journey that would be wasted if I don't see the opportunity for growth in myself and my relationship with my husband. Maybe trying to get pregnant is one of those revealations of character? A life challenge that tests who you are and how you can handle something that pushes you physically, mentally and spiritually? I think the longer I'm TTC the more I see it as a  journey of self. I believe- as Sir Edmund Hilary did after he had climbed Mt Everest- "It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves".

Predicting the future...

Do I make too many plans? Sometimes I think I do. I wish I could just 'go with the flow', 'take each day as it comes' and 'live for today' but my brain resists the uncertainty of it all. The doubt that maybe things won't work out OK in the end after all is ever-present in the deepest parts of me. I suppress these thoughts underneath the positive self-talk that some days just feels a tad forced. I got another Big Fat Negative (BFN) pregnancy test today. Another month bites the dust. I felt empty and sad and desperate and did something I never thought I would do. I had a psychic reading. Now I'm a bit of a skeptic. I think I'm pretty open-minded and have really seen the benefits in 'alternative' therapies such as acupuncture, chinese medicine, naturopathy and of course yoga and meditation, but a psychic reading was just a bit too far outside my comfort zone. So I'm not 100% sure what made me want to go ahead with it. The seed was planted in my mind by some ladies at work who often have psychic readings. My co-workers aren't the 'airy-fairy' alternative types and I started to think that it couldn't hurt. So I googled a lady who not only gave psychic readings but also taught yoga and a special fertility meditation class. I liked the sound of her and so booked a phone appointment today. It's been an hour or so since our phone call and I have to say I'm definitely glad I did it despite some last minute hesitations. Julia was lovely and although I still have some doubts in my mind I feel less desperate about the whole TTC journey. She was quite detailed- no vague statements- and so confident in her comments that I couldn't help but feel a type of reassurance. I was told that I had a baby boy waiting to come first- which made me tear up unexpectedly. Julia told me to think about the boy and even start to talk to him. He wouldn't come straight away but towards the end of this year depending on a few things. She thought I would have three children eventually- a boy, a girl and then a boy (or a girl with a "hell on wheels" energy).I won't go into all the details because there was so many but I took away the messages to try and relax, have fun, spend quality time with my husband and do the things we want to do while we can. I know there will be those of you who are seriously critical of this type of thing and to be honest if I was reading somebody else's blog and read this post I would be the same. But whatever my logical brain tells me I do feel calmer and happier than I did this morning. I have hope- and that's what makes the uncertain future a little bit easier to face...