Friday 9 May 2014

Facebook and infertility

I don't know about you but the Mother's Day messages have already started flooding my Facebook news feed. Now I would never want mothers to not feel special about all the amazing things they do but it was a chance for me to reflect about how hard it is to be on social media when you are trying to conceive- especially when you are having difficulty. I feel there is not a day that goes by when I don't  have to see a pregnant belly post, an update about "Jonny rolling over at 4 months 1 week and 3 days" (seriously- 4 months is fine), or a proud statement of just how proud such-and-such is to be a mummy (mommy for USA readers). I don't know why mothers feel the need to constantly post statements along the lines of "LIKE- if you love being a mum", "SHARE- if being a mother is the most important job in the world" or "LIKE- if you're kids are the most special thing in the world" etc etc. Are they looking for validation? Is there a special feeling one receives from the acknowledgement of other mothers? Or is being a mother just so amazing that one cannot stop their fingers typing posts to let the whole world know about it? I'm sure it's not a deliberate attempt to rub their own joy in the faces of those who are not so lucky but I can't help but think do these women ever stop and think about how it makes others feel?

Now some people may say "just stop going in Facebook then!" The problem with infertility is that it is already so isolating, that face-to-face social contact can often be so hard, that if you're like me Facebook is a way to stay connected with others when all I feel like doing is staying inside on the couch for weeks at a time. I am a member of Facebook infertility and IVF groups that allow me to stay linked with other women going through similar things. The interesting thing about this is that we post all our shared joys and disappointments in a closed group. Is there a reason why mothers can't do the same? Why can't fertile friends make their own closed group where they can put all their "I love being a mum" posts and pregnancy/ baby photos posts without the risk of hurting others. I know if I had a friend whose father had passed away the last thing I would be saying either online or in her presence was comments about how much I love my dad, how I love being a daughter, or inviting others to share their stories about their father. Maybe comparing infertility to a family death is too extreme for some but I'm sure many of those who have been through infertility would relate to the significant feelings of grief, loss and isolation.

So in preparation for Mother's Day I'd like to send my love to all the women out there who know what it feels like to scroll down their Facebook page and feel the gut punch when a new ultrasound photo or mum-related comment comes into view. I know we are more considerate and caring people because of our journey and if one day we are lucky enough to become mothers I believe we will share our joy in ways that reflect our knowledge of the women who still wait...

9 comments:

  1. I'm so so with you on this one. I know I have made myself even more.. as you say: 'socially isolated' but came off FB before my last cycle ...and loving it so much to be honest [for all the reaons you mention above] that I'm not going back until I too am A Smug Mother! I have just found other way to keep in contact with people and groups as just find FB too confronting [every day] at the moment xx

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  2. Hi Soph :) Lovely to hear from you. I've been thinking of doing a Facebook related blog post for a while and it just seemed like the right time. I can totally understand why you would go off Facebook all together. I hope you're doing ok? Are you cycling again? Thinking of you and sending you lots of luck whatever you're up to xo

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  3. That's an interesting thought about moms creating a group on Facebook for all their gushing. If only there was a way to suggest it without coming across as a total jerk! I have had all my many pregnant friends and new moms hidden from my newsfeed for months now. It has made it a better experience, but things still creep in there. It's not entirely safe.

    I'm glad to have found your blog!! Thinking about you & the IF community tomorrow <3

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  4. Thanks CC. I know it's been a particularly difficult time for you at the moment after the loss of your little ninja so thank you for taking the time to post. I think I might follow your lead and block certain people on facebook- especially those who I don't know as well. Would definitely make things a bit easier. Sending you lots of love and support x

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  5. Thanks Hun... not doing to well today on Mothers Day to be honest. Last Fri was our beta for FET- bfn. We had 2 frostie blasts [but one didn't survive the thaw] So here we are 3 stim cycles and 5 cycles down & just not sure where to go from here :( I see Dr N in a week. Do you see him again soon?

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  6. Hi Soph. So sorry to hear about your last cycle being a BFN. I hope your appointment with Dr N helps guided you in the right direction. I'm about to start stimming so won't see him again until egg retreival (if he is doing it). Am mostly speaking with the nurses over the phone. This is definitely our last cycle with my eggs. After that we'll just wait and see. Sending you big hugs xoxo

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  7. Big hugs to you too love, and wishing you both the very best of luck with this last cycle. Are you doing any thing different this time? Hope you don't have your usual annoying spotting b4 the cycle starts this time xxxxxxx

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  8. Hi Sophie :) I was going to start my cycle a few weeks ago but I was spotting off and on again so I'm on the pill this time to try and stop that happening in the lead up to stims. My cycle is slightly different this time in that I am not doing testosterone priming or human growth hormone. I'm also doing a 10000 HCG trigger shot rather than the 250 ovidrel to hopefully help with egg maturation and quality. The other difference is that I've now been on coq10 and melatonin for 4 months. Thanks for asking and stay in touch x

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