Fading...

When we started this journey to conceive I had a clear picture in my head of being pregnant, giving birth, breast-feeding my child and watching on proudly as my husband held him or her to his chest. I could see two or three children running to meet their dad at the front door when he returned home from work and crowd around him as he leant over to kiss me. I started to buy things for our 'babies' even before we started trying-a jumpsuit here and a squeeze toy there- and then when we began to try to get pregnant I decided to purchase bigger things- a cot, a bassinet, a baby carrier and many other baby-related items. I was excited and told myself I was budgeting cleverly by spreading my purchases out while I was working so that we wouldn't have so many expenses when I was on maternity leave. I never told anyone and hid my purchases around the house. I would look through them every few weeks and feel excited by the thought that it wouldn't be long before the dream of a family became a reality. But as the months dragged on and no pregnancy arrived I stopped looking at all the baby gear. I had to start wiping the dust off the cot hidden under our bed and stopped unzipping the suitcase filled with tiny baby clothes and burp cloths to look at them. I felt embarrassed by the thought that I had a house full of baby things and no baby. That my pregnant friends had less baby items than me. With each new fertility treatment or plan I felt a renewed sense of hope that I would be able to start my longed-for nursery but each time we received the news that we had not been successful I felt the images of my future children fading. In the past few weeks I have started to see a future that doesn't have children and it scares me to death. How much longer can we go on with these treatments? Will this ever work for us? Will we be the unlucky ones who can never have children- even with IVF? We know for sure that six viable embryos have been created; one during our first IVF and five during our second. Two out of the six embryos have been transferred and four remain. I thought a lot about those embryos tonight...if they are they beginnings of a person...a potential baby...does that make me a mother? Do you only become a mother when you give birth? Maybe it's when you're officially pregnant? But when describing the relationship of the embryos to me I would like to think I am the 'mother'. The thought of that brings the image of my children back to my mind- if only for a few seconds before my heart closes itself for protection...