The world of infertility...

So...we've officially been trying to conceive for more than 12 months. The milestone hit me harder than I thought it would. It seems very real now and we're moving forward into the world of "infertility". We have a referral to an IVF clinic and will see the doctor on the 17th August. My husband has to have another semen test before we go but apart from that I am not sure what to expect. I have spoken with a few people that go to the same clinic (even though we have told very few people) and I anticipate that I will have to have a dye test for my fallopian tubes and maybe a laparoscopy to see if I have any endometriosis. It seems fairly clear that I ovulate so I'm not sure if I will be put on clomid but I may be given something to help lengthen my luteal phase and reduce the spotting I experience before my period. I had an appointment with a new acupuncturist this afternoon and it went very well. He was an older Chinese man and did things quite differently to my original acupuncurist. I had to change acupuncturists because I started a new job in the same area as the fertility clinic and didn't want to be travelling in the opposite direction to my original acupuncturist. The Chinese guy spoke like a wise old man and I felt comforted by his slow considered words. He stuck three needles hard into my belly-button- which I had not experienced before- and reported that my abdomen was "stagnant". I am to see him weekly from now on but will finish the herbs and vitamins from a naturopath I visited in the city early last month. A friend of mine who was pregnant when we started TTC is actually pregnant again! I admit that I cried when I heard but I am honestly happy for her- it was just a moment where I needed to have a little pity party for myself. I'm trying to live more in the moment and be grateful for everything I have. The relationship between my husband and I is stronger than ever before and I am so happy for that. If I'm feeling down I try and gain perspective and remind myself that "today is a good day" :-)

Update

I haven't posted in a while. I suppose everything is tracking along fairly well and I am feeling healthy and positive. Still no news- my progesterone levels were normal and all signs show I'm ovulating. I've decided to take a break from blogging for a while and try and distract myself. I'm not sure if anyone reads these posts but if you do and want me to keep posting let me know :)

Doctors, semen and progesterone

Well my period arrived. No suprises there but I  do actually feel like we are getting somewhere after my follow up ultrasound visit.  I saw a new G.P. late last week (Dr B) for my ultrasound results and for once I wasn't shooed out the door and told to "just relax". Maybe it was because she was female and could symapthise more with the anxiety I was feeling about the whole process. She confirmed that my ultrasound was normal and said that it was good news that I was ovulating. According to Dr B the spotting wasn't great but it would probably go away after I became pregnant. "Great" I thought "now just tell me how to do that!". She recommended a 21-day blood test to check my progesterone levels so now I'm just playing the waiting game until I hit the 3 week mark. Dr B also suggested that my husband have a semen motility test. I felt relieved that he already had a referral in his bedside table from his doctor- who had been reluctant to give it to him but provided it 'just in case'. I knew hubby was concerned about having to take time off work and travel an hour away to 'produce' a sample in a clinic. We live in relatively small regional and I knew that he was worried that he might bump into someone he  knew. A couple of quick- and slightly awkward- phone calls revealed that this actually wasn't the case and that it could be 'produced' at home as long as it arrived at the labratory within 2 hours. He didn't even have to take time off work as I could drive it over there. So...my one day off in months resulted in a very early  drive over to the nearest pathology lab with the sample between my legs (to keep it warm on the chilly morning) grinning cheekily at this bizarre fact and thinking of scenarios where a police-officer would pull me over and ask what I had between my legs-"my husband's semen of course!". We received the results a few days ago and they were all OK. My initial reaction was one of relief and excitement but lingering in the back of my mind was that other thought that often snuck in during my moments of doubt..."that means there's something wrong with you...". My acupuncturist was so excited when I told her we had done a semen test and that I had a referral for a 21 day progesterone test. I knew she wanted  to know about my progesterone levels because of the spotting so hopefully it sheds (excuse the pun) some light on why I start bleeding so early in my cycle. She suggested taking a break from the Chinese tea for a bit and also and said that it might be a good idea to drop the BBT test each morning as well- just to take my minds off things for a while. I was happy to drop the tea but I'll see how I go with the BBT's. I have a sneaking suspicion that if I don't take them I'll just spend the whole day wondering what it might have been so it may be better just to take it quickly when I wake up and then not worry too much about charting the temp. My friend called me this week to tell me that a lady at her work just fell pregnant after 1 year of TTC after she decided that "it would happen when it happens". It reminded me of all the stories I've read about people finally conceiving when they stop focusing on it. I've said it before in this blog that I believe trying to get pregnant is not just a physical phenomenon but a mental one as well. It seems that the more you want to be pregnant the longer it takes to actually conceive. But how do you "just relax" and truly stop worrying??? I think it's probably similiar to meditation (something I also suck at) in that you can't try to relax, it only happens when you focus on the present and ignore thoughts about the past and future. Hmmmmmmm....easier said than done. So that's the plan at the moment. To recognise when I am thinking about the 'what if's' and appreciate the moment. Starting right now.

An ultrasound...

No it's not what you think. I wish :-) Two days ago I had an ultrasound to see if I could find out why I was spotting. It wasn't my first ultrasound. Way back in September I had an ultrasound after a particularly heavy bleed about a week after my period. The ultrasound indicated there may be a dermoid cyst and my gynacologist provided me with a referral to go back and have a repeat ultrasound. No explanation was given for my pre-period spotting and the gynacologist told me that I only had to go back for an ultrasound if I really wanted to. My GP felt there was no need so I left it. A few weeks ago I decided to go back to see if an ultrasound would find anything that may be contributing to my spotting. So there I was on Tuesday...less than thrilled that I had a student examining me with the vaginal ultrasound wand. She took a looooong time to find what she was looking for and I had to sit there while the actual ultrasound technician (is that what they're called?) sighed and literally banged her head against the wall in frustration as she explained what the student was supposed to do- it was obviously not the first time the younger lady had been told. I felt sorry for her but just bit my lip and hoped she got it over and done with quickly. They didn't find a dermoid cyst but they did see something else in my right ovary- a corpus luteum. In other words I had ovulated already or was just about to ovulate. It was only day 12 of my cycle and my OPK's had not shown anything! Aaaagh! The ultrasound technician said to me "You need to go home and have intercourse straight away". I had to laugh despite my concern that we may have missed our chance. While I was still lying there in a less-than-modest position she also said that my cycle obviously wasn't optimal for conception if I was spotting early and ovulating earlier than my OPK was showing. She suggested seeing a fertility specialist. I instantly thought back to my psychic appointment where I had been told that I may need assisted fertility treatments for one of my children. Needless to say I didn't take my time driving home after my appointment- ringing my husband from the parking lot before I left to make sure he was home. No complaints from him :-) So it's just fingers crossed now...I'll let you know how it goes.

The school of TTC: O-week and lessons learnt

O-week. This used to be the week of partying and fun for 'orientation' before university started. It didn't matter if it was your first year or Uni or not- you still joined in with all your friends.O-week has a whole new meaning now that we are trying to conceive. It's the week of OPK tests, careful monitoring of my BBT before I get up every morning and timed sex with my husband. It's nowhere near as fun as O-week at University- even with all the time in the bedroom! Things sure have changed since my studying days. The week of ovulation is a mixture of cautious excitement, stress about whether you're timing everything right and that other feeling that is difficult to describe- the one you have when you've failed before and think it will probably happen again. Trying to conceive each month is an unusual experience, especially if you're someone like me who has difficulty doing things that you know you're not good at. I hate feeling like there is nothing I can do. Usually, if I'm bad at something I try to approach it differently, develop new skills to do it better or get advice from people who are better than me. When you're trying to have a baby and it's not working there is not a lot you can do other than "cross your fingers and uncross your legs" as one of my friends politely put it. Doctors have similar advice- they just word it nicer- and you have to try and go on your merry way pretending you're actually enjoying the whole process. I feel like such a fraud when people ask me when I'm going to have kids and I make some off-hand comment about work and not being ready just yet.
I think rather than trying to change what is happening I need to work out what I can learn from it.So I'm going to finish this post with what I think I've gained out of this trying to conceive journey... 1) Better health- I'm definitely eating better, exercising more and sleeping better 2) Confirmation that my husband and I both want to be parents more than anything 3) Patience (although this is a work in progress!) 4) Time to think about how we want to raise our children 5) The knowledge that my husband and I can support each other during challenging times I know that we are so lucky to have everything that we do. Writing this blog is very therapeutic as it helps me to realise this fact and focus on the positives in my life so that I can be more grateful and feel less dejected each month. I am starting to learn that this is not so much an attempt to make egg meet with sperm but a personal journey that would be wasted if I don't see the opportunity for growth in myself and my relationship with my husband. Maybe trying to get pregnant is one of those revealations of character? A life challenge that tests who you are and how you can handle something that pushes you physically, mentally and spiritually? I think the longer I'm TTC the more I see it as a  journey of self. I believe- as Sir Edmund Hilary did after he had climbed Mt Everest- "It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves".

Predicting the future...

Do I make too many plans? Sometimes I think I do. I wish I could just 'go with the flow', 'take each day as it comes' and 'live for today' but my brain resists the uncertainty of it all. The doubt that maybe things won't work out OK in the end after all is ever-present in the deepest parts of me. I suppress these thoughts underneath the positive self-talk that some days just feels a tad forced. I got another Big Fat Negative (BFN) pregnancy test today. Another month bites the dust. I felt empty and sad and desperate and did something I never thought I would do. I had a psychic reading. Now I'm a bit of a skeptic. I think I'm pretty open-minded and have really seen the benefits in 'alternative' therapies such as acupuncture, chinese medicine, naturopathy and of course yoga and meditation, but a psychic reading was just a bit too far outside my comfort zone. So I'm not 100% sure what made me want to go ahead with it. The seed was planted in my mind by some ladies at work who often have psychic readings. My co-workers aren't the 'airy-fairy' alternative types and I started to think that it couldn't hurt. So I googled a lady who not only gave psychic readings but also taught yoga and a special fertility meditation class. I liked the sound of her and so booked a phone appointment today. It's been an hour or so since our phone call and I have to say I'm definitely glad I did it despite some last minute hesitations. Julia was lovely and although I still have some doubts in my mind I feel less desperate about the whole TTC journey. She was quite detailed- no vague statements- and so confident in her comments that I couldn't help but feel a type of reassurance. I was told that I had a baby boy waiting to come first- which made me tear up unexpectedly. Julia told me to think about the boy and even start to talk to him. He wouldn't come straight away but towards the end of this year depending on a few things. She thought I would have three children eventually- a boy, a girl and then a boy (or a girl with a "hell on wheels" energy).I won't go into all the details because there was so many but I took away the messages to try and relax, have fun, spend quality time with my husband and do the things we want to do while we can. I know there will be those of you who are seriously critical of this type of thing and to be honest if I was reading somebody else's blog and read this post I would be the same. But whatever my logical brain tells me I do feel calmer and happier than I did this morning. I have hope- and that's what makes the uncertain future a little bit easier to face...

Is this normal?

For those who don't like details about someone else's cycle please stop reading now. Ok, so this morning I had a small bleed.  I had no spotting overnight but stood up in the morning and had the sensation of bleeding that was quite quick. The bleed was bright red and probably about 15-20ml. It stopped immediately and I had a small amount of brown spotting during the day. Sigh. Why is this happening??? I'm not due for my period for another 9 days. The brown spotting happens every month and and the short red bleeds have occurred every few months. Is there something I should be doing? My acupuncturist did hint that my progesterone levels could be low and adjusted my herbal tea accordingly when I saw her last month. I try and ignore the spotting and just get on with my day but it is a constant reminder for nearly 2 weeks of the month that things maybe aren't quite right. It's been a bit stressful at home because my husband no longer has permanent work and I'm having to increase my workload to bring in a bit more money. It's a wet day outside and I feel like a nice warm bath but our hot water service has broken so it'll just have to be TV in some warm trackies (tracksuits). I feel a bit down after this post so I thought I'd finish with 10 things that make me happy to cheer me up a bit. They are: 1) my husband 2) my family 3) my friends 4) weekends 5) chocolate 6) my subscription magazine 7) my favourite TV shows 8) playing sport and exercising 9) the view outside our window 10) spending time in the garden. There, I'm smiling already :-)