A new doctor and a uterine biopsy

Yesterday I visited another clinic to see a doctor who specialises in the more controversial area of reproductive immunology. I had read about Natural Killer (NK) cells on different forums and noted that it tended to be a more common test in countries like the US and the UK. Here in Australia there are only two doctors that do the test- one in Sydney and one in Melbourne. I visited the doctor in Melbourne; Dr L (Monash IVF). He was straight to the point and after a few questions about my history and a flick through my thick folder of test results and procedures I was up on the examination table. I was expecting the biopsy to hurt a little but it hurt a LOT! Luckily it didn't take long and Dr L told me I did well. I bled quite a bit afterwards and felt quite crampy. I was given a pathology request form with a long list of tests that the doctor wanted me to have, which included some genetic tests that he also wanted my husband to be tested for. I went downstairs for the tests and was a little concerned when I saw the 18 vials they were going to fill with my blood. Yikes! I also had to provide two urine samples with one needing to be a mid-stream test. I'm sure I had less than 30ml in my bladder so I felt quite ridiculous handing in my jars afterwards. Luckily they said I had enough in the jars to be tested. So now I'm waiting until Friday for my results. I have to call Dr L and if my NK cells are high then I will have to have intralipid infusions as well as the prednisolone and clexane that I already take during my cycles. It is about 3 weeks until my FET and I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand I feel the hope that I always have for any month we try and on the other hand I feel apprehensive about the emotional drain that each cycle brings and the potential devastation I might feel if it doesn't work again...

Picking up the pieces

It's two weeks since our negative beta and I'm starting to feel normal again. I was in a pretty bad place when I knew our second IVF had failed and I had many low moments where I would cry, and cry, and wail and cry some more. I had my sisters baby shower in the middle of this and got through it in one piece. I've become quite good at being very happy and chatty around others and then collapsing in a heap when I'm on my own and the pain and emptiness roll in. I feel sometimes like I have a knife permanently wedged in my heart and that sometimes it hurts so hard I can hardly breathe and sometimes I get used to its presence and it is just a dull ache. When I see pregnant people or babies I feel it's sharpness again, and hurtful comments twist the blade with an acute pain that throbs down to the pit of my empty tummy. My sister had her baby just after the shower and I was scared to visit her. I was worried I would be angry, or jealous, or sad, or that I would breakdown like a crazy women. I didn't visit with all the family but went by myself the next day and I was so relieved to find that the dominant emotion I felt was happiness. I enjoyed meeting my new little nephew and felt love for him and closeness to my sister. While I have still had my crap moments in the past week I have started to feel better in the last few days. I'm laughing at work rather than avoiding people for fear of crying. I'm enjoying exercise rather than doing it because I should. I'm being intimate with my husband because I feel like it. It's so freeing to be able to make love without worrying about whether it is the right time of the month...I had almost forgotten what it was like. We have decided for sure this week that we will go ahead with a double embryo transfer next month and I'm feel good about this decision after some initial hesitance. So here I am. Today I am positive and happy but even though I know that happiness doesn't last forever I also know that sadness doesn't either. Life is always changing and I hope that these difficult years will end eventually and we will have a family of our own one day.

BFN for IVF#2...

Sigh. I knew it was coming but it still hurts. I did a few home pregnancy tests during the week and they were stark white. I cried off and on all day today- and not just a few tears but full blown sobbing in preparation for my beta result phone call in the afternoon. I asked the nurse for the actual beta number this time and she said "less than 1...which means that it didn't even try and implant". Gut-punch. I held it together as I tried to ask her questions about doing a FET when my dad  knocked at the door. I only had a sports bra on as I had been on the treadmill and had to quickly try and out a t-shirt on while talking to the nurse and answering the door. I knew I wasn't going to be able to contain myself if my dad came in and listened to me on the phone so I just said "bad time dad" and shut the door. I felt bad seeing his expression as he was probably wondering what was going on (he didn't know about the transfer). I got through the rest of the phone call with the nurse and asked the questions I needed to. I then hopped back onto the treadmill and wailed my way through another 15 minutes. I must have looked like a crazy person! My husband was not expecting me to be so upset when he got home as he thought I was prepared for the result. I was a little angry at him for not understanding how devastated I was with the confirmed negative result but I can't complain. He has been so great through this whole process. So...what now? I've decided to get my natural killer cells tested at another clinic as ours does not do this. They have asked me to call them on the day of my period and then come in on cycle day 21 for a uterine biopsy. If I test positive I will probably have to have intralipid infusions in addition to the prednisolone I already take. Luckily both clinics are happy for me to see the other at the same time. I've also been thinking the last few days about whether we continue with single embryo transfers or do a double transfer next time? Anyway, I think we're going to need time to digest this cycle before we can think ahead but my personality naturally looks to solve the problem. I think it's just easier to distract myself with new plans rather than stop and feel the pain that is so heavy in my heart...

8dp2dt

Today is just over a week since we transferred our little 2 day 4 cell embryo. I've felt more positive this cycle than I did last time and I'm really trying to be optimistic about the outcome. My concern with being positive is that it is "further to fall" so to speak if the result isn't a good one, but I've decided that I'll be upset no matter what so I may as well try to enjoy the feeling of being 'pregnant until proven otherwise'. I haven't really had any obvious symptoms that would indicate that the embryo has implanted. I haven't been sleeping as well and I've been quite tired coming back to work after five days off last week. It's Father's Day tomorrow and I've been thinking about how great it would be to have a positive pregnancy test to give my husband. I'm on the fence about doing a urine test before the beta next Friday but I know my patience is unlikely to hold out quite that long. I think it is so much less stressful this time around knowing that we have four frozen embryos. Knowing that it will be a much quicker and easier process if this doesn't work really helps.. So now we wait. I know that if I take a test early it will start the whole crazy mind-f*#k process and I think I'd like to enjoy my blissful ignorance at this stage...

Embryo transfer :)

I feel we're the closest we've ever been at the moment. Yesterday we were very nervous to hear about how our little embies had gone overnight and it was a huge relief to hear from the embryologist that we had five embryos that were all at 4 cell stage- which is where they should be at day 2. For those who haven't read previous posts we transferred a 3 cell embryo on day 2 for our last IVF as this was the best of the four that we had (the other three embryos had been 2 cell). We had a BFN that cycle and none to freeze so we were beyond excited to have one good one to transfer this cycle and at least 4 to freeze!!! We had to wait a while as our doctor was delayed in surgery and when he came in it was all over fairly quickly. The procedure was more painful this time as the doctor knocked my cervix and made it bleed. It was fine though and it just felt like the biggest weight off our shoulders to have our beautiful little "back up" embryos on ice. The embryologist said that the other embryos that were still a little behind (at 3 and 2 cell) may still catch up and that they would leave them until day 5 or 6 to see if they made it to blastocyst stage- in which case they would freeze them too. I had an acupuncture appointment before and after my transfer and I felt quite relaxed by the time we went home. Even though my doctor does not prescribe bed rest I decided to stay in bed for most of the evening watching movies. I have a battle going inside my head about moving too much vs not enough as my acupuncturists have always said I have "stagnant blood" and that movement helps bring blood flow to the uterus. Today I will move around a little more and might go for a gentle walk tomorrow. My husband and I decided to tell a few close friends/workmates about the transfer but tell our family that the transfer was delayed until September or October (we were pretty vague on the reasons). Our decision was based on the fact that we felt we didn't want any pressure on us during the 2WW and also that if we didn't have great news that we could deal with that ourselves without having to manage the disappointment of our family members. The other reason was that if we wre lucky enough to have good news that we could actually surprise our families in the same way that other people get to do when they're not going through fertility treatments. I still felt awful when it came time to actually lying but I tried to keep it positive and focus on how excited we were to have embryos to freeze (which was the truth at least). So now we wait. I will try and stay distracted and take it easy. I have another acupuncture appointment next week and will keep up the healthy eating and gentle exercise. I have to take clexane, prednisolone and progesterone every day and will keep up my supplements. I just know that no matter what we are one step closer :)

Egg retrieval update

I went in for egg retrieval early this morning and was wheeled through for the procedure around 9:30am. The anaesthetist had a little trouble getting a vein again and had to whack the back of my hand to find one. The needle went in fairly easy after that and after some happy drugs I was out like a light. I came out of the anaesthetic crying and emotional. The nurses asked if I was in pain but I shook my head and took some deep breathes to try and stop myself. I did not want to have a pity party but had an overwhelming feeling of "why is this so much easier for other people?". The nurse let me know that they had retrieved 16 eggs so that made me feel better. I needed a few bags of fluid before they would let me go so I watched as other people were wheeled in and out of the ward for about an hour or so. I was allowed to get dressed about 11:45am and went thought to meet my husband in the recovery room. The embryologist arrived shortly after and let us know that they had retrieved 15 (not 16) eggs. He said that they had 'stripped' 10 for ICSI and either 7 or 8 of those would be mature enough for attempted fertilisation. We were given the option of doing normal IVF on the remaining 5 but I felt it was better to have another one ICSI'd as we had a 0% normal fertilisation rate on our last batch of IVF'd eggs. After seeing the nurse I went to my acupuncture appointment- which was very relaxing. I napped most of this afternoon and am just in bed watching TV now. I am trying not to get too anxious about the embryologist report tomorrow and just hope more than anything that we have a better result than last time. Fingers and toes are crossed x

Triggered last night and egg retrieval tomorrow :)

I can't believe egg retrieval is tomorrow! After our first IVF cycle I thought it would feel like FOREVER before we were back in this place but I'm pleased to say that the last three months have gone relatively quickly. I went in for my stim scan (ultrasound) yesterday and was pleased that they found 17 follicles. I had been worried that nothing was growing as I wasn't feeling as bloated as I did during my first IVF cycle. My endometrial lining was 6mm (not as high as I thought) and most of my follicles were around 13mm. The lead follicle was 17mm and as I am not taking a suppressant I was told to trigger last night for egg retrieval tomorrow morning so I don't ovulate before they aspirate the follicles. I'm worried that the follicles aren't big enough and that we won't get enough mature eggs but we'll just have to wait and see. I hope they have all grown a bit more since yesterday. So now we are just hoping against hope that we will have some nice embryos and are able to transfer one back. It's a nerve-wracking time but I'm trying to stay as relaxed as possible. Will keep you posted :)