Laparoscopy, hysteroscopy and dye test

Well I am one week on from my 'lap'. I wasn't too nervous going in but the fact I only got my period two days before concerned me as I had read online that they won't do the dye test if you're menstruating. Luckily it didn't seem to be a problem. I woke up groggy from the surgery expecting to go home that same day but the nurses let me know that I would have to stay in overnight. I was wheeled into the ward and over the course of the afternoon was told that the doctor had found endometriosis in a number of locations- particularly around my bladder. Due to the fact that they had to cut away the endometriosis quite deeply in this area they also put dye into my bladder to ensure they had not perforated the bladder wall. I was told that a catheter needed to be in for 24 hours which is why I had to stay overnight. The pain relief was effective and I was mostly uncomfortable afterwards with the catheter in and some sharp shoulder pain from the gas they used to inflate my abdomen during the laparoscopy. My husband and sister visited in the evening and I felt much better after something to eat. I got very little sleep during the night as I was lucky enough to share the room with three old men. All of them appeared to have hearing problems as the nurse needed to shout instructions every time she came in to check their obs during the night. I propped myself either side with pillows to maintain a level of semi-comfort but the short length of the catheter and the drip in my arm severely restricted my movement. Morning eventually arrived and I asked any nurse that came in whether I would be going home soon. No-one seemed to be overly fussed with speeding up my discharge and attended to the needs of the hearing-impaired men around me who had more pressing needs. My surgeon visited and let me know that I had 'moderate' amounts of endometriosis on the left side of my abdomen as well as in the Pouch of Douglas and obviously on my bladder. He made a follow up visit with my fertility specialist (my surgeon was different than my fertility specialist) for the following week and approved my discharge. My husband arrived around 11am and I managed to get my incision sites cleaned and re-dressed, my catheter out (hallelujah!) and the needle in my arm removed by different nurses who took pity on my obvious need to get home. I had to make sure I had no blood in my urine so had to use my bladder twice before the let me go. I moved very slowly initially and was surprised at how weak and tender I felt. Finally, I was discharged and my husband drove me home- about an hour away. I slept on a mattress in the lounge room for the first few days afterwards to ensure I could put pillows all around me. I tried to move around as much as possible and was able to walk around quite well after 3 days. The shoulder pain was probably worse than the tummy pain-especially if I walked around quite a bit or got cold- although I didn't need any pain killers after I left the hospital. I attended my follow up visit five days after my surgery and felt about 80% back to normal. I obviously couldn't move quickly and needed to be careful of the incision sites but they healed really quickly. The nurse at the reproductive medicine clinic said it probably helped that I was fit, healthy and relatively young. I was told that my tubes had been patent (open) and the biopsy they took from my uterus wall was normal. My fertility specialist said the removal of the endometriosis would likely have a positive impact on my fertility and said to keep trying for another three months and see what happens. So, I have an appointment at the end of January 2013 to see him again unless I fall pregnant in the meantime. Fingers crossed :)

Still a bit swollen and sore. About 1 week after lap.

The world of infertility...

So...we've officially been trying to conceive for more than 12 months. The milestone hit me harder than I thought it would. It seems very real now and we're moving forward into the world of "infertility". We have a referral to an IVF clinic and will see the doctor on the 17th August. My husband has to have another semen test before we go but apart from that I am not sure what to expect. I have spoken with a few people that go to the same clinic (even though we have told very few people) and I anticipate that I will have to have a dye test for my fallopian tubes and maybe a laparoscopy to see if I have any endometriosis. It seems fairly clear that I ovulate so I'm not sure if I will be put on clomid but I may be given something to help lengthen my luteal phase and reduce the spotting I experience before my period. I had an appointment with a new acupuncturist this afternoon and it went very well. He was an older Chinese man and did things quite differently to my original acupuncurist. I had to change acupuncturists because I started a new job in the same area as the fertility clinic and didn't want to be travelling in the opposite direction to my original acupuncturist. The Chinese guy spoke like a wise old man and I felt comforted by his slow considered words. He stuck three needles hard into my belly-button- which I had not experienced before- and reported that my abdomen was "stagnant". I am to see him weekly from now on but will finish the herbs and vitamins from a naturopath I visited in the city early last month. A friend of mine who was pregnant when we started TTC is actually pregnant again! I admit that I cried when I heard but I am honestly happy for her- it was just a moment where I needed to have a little pity party for myself. I'm trying to live more in the moment and be grateful for everything I have. The relationship between my husband and I is stronger than ever before and I am so happy for that. If I'm feeling down I try and gain perspective and remind myself that "today is a good day" :-)

Update

I haven't posted in a while. I suppose everything is tracking along fairly well and I am feeling healthy and positive. Still no news- my progesterone levels were normal and all signs show I'm ovulating. I've decided to take a break from blogging for a while and try and distract myself. I'm not sure if anyone reads these posts but if you do and want me to keep posting let me know :)

Doctors, semen and progesterone

Well my period arrived. No suprises there but I  do actually feel like we are getting somewhere after my follow up ultrasound visit.  I saw a new G.P. late last week (Dr B) for my ultrasound results and for once I wasn't shooed out the door and told to "just relax". Maybe it was because she was female and could symapthise more with the anxiety I was feeling about the whole process. She confirmed that my ultrasound was normal and said that it was good news that I was ovulating. According to Dr B the spotting wasn't great but it would probably go away after I became pregnant. "Great" I thought "now just tell me how to do that!". She recommended a 21-day blood test to check my progesterone levels so now I'm just playing the waiting game until I hit the 3 week mark. Dr B also suggested that my husband have a semen motility test. I felt relieved that he already had a referral in his bedside table from his doctor- who had been reluctant to give it to him but provided it 'just in case'. I knew hubby was concerned about having to take time off work and travel an hour away to 'produce' a sample in a clinic. We live in relatively small regional and I knew that he was worried that he might bump into someone he  knew. A couple of quick- and slightly awkward- phone calls revealed that this actually wasn't the case and that it could be 'produced' at home as long as it arrived at the labratory within 2 hours. He didn't even have to take time off work as I could drive it over there. So...my one day off in months resulted in a very early  drive over to the nearest pathology lab with the sample between my legs (to keep it warm on the chilly morning) grinning cheekily at this bizarre fact and thinking of scenarios where a police-officer would pull me over and ask what I had between my legs-"my husband's semen of course!". We received the results a few days ago and they were all OK. My initial reaction was one of relief and excitement but lingering in the back of my mind was that other thought that often snuck in during my moments of doubt..."that means there's something wrong with you...". My acupuncturist was so excited when I told her we had done a semen test and that I had a referral for a 21 day progesterone test. I knew she wanted  to know about my progesterone levels because of the spotting so hopefully it sheds (excuse the pun) some light on why I start bleeding so early in my cycle. She suggested taking a break from the Chinese tea for a bit and also and said that it might be a good idea to drop the BBT test each morning as well- just to take my minds off things for a while. I was happy to drop the tea but I'll see how I go with the BBT's. I have a sneaking suspicion that if I don't take them I'll just spend the whole day wondering what it might have been so it may be better just to take it quickly when I wake up and then not worry too much about charting the temp. My friend called me this week to tell me that a lady at her work just fell pregnant after 1 year of TTC after she decided that "it would happen when it happens". It reminded me of all the stories I've read about people finally conceiving when they stop focusing on it. I've said it before in this blog that I believe trying to get pregnant is not just a physical phenomenon but a mental one as well. It seems that the more you want to be pregnant the longer it takes to actually conceive. But how do you "just relax" and truly stop worrying??? I think it's probably similiar to meditation (something I also suck at) in that you can't try to relax, it only happens when you focus on the present and ignore thoughts about the past and future. Hmmmmmmm....easier said than done. So that's the plan at the moment. To recognise when I am thinking about the 'what if's' and appreciate the moment. Starting right now.

An ultrasound...

No it's not what you think. I wish :-) Two days ago I had an ultrasound to see if I could find out why I was spotting. It wasn't my first ultrasound. Way back in September I had an ultrasound after a particularly heavy bleed about a week after my period. The ultrasound indicated there may be a dermoid cyst and my gynacologist provided me with a referral to go back and have a repeat ultrasound. No explanation was given for my pre-period spotting and the gynacologist told me that I only had to go back for an ultrasound if I really wanted to. My GP felt there was no need so I left it. A few weeks ago I decided to go back to see if an ultrasound would find anything that may be contributing to my spotting. So there I was on Tuesday...less than thrilled that I had a student examining me with the vaginal ultrasound wand. She took a looooong time to find what she was looking for and I had to sit there while the actual ultrasound technician (is that what they're called?) sighed and literally banged her head against the wall in frustration as she explained what the student was supposed to do- it was obviously not the first time the younger lady had been told. I felt sorry for her but just bit my lip and hoped she got it over and done with quickly. They didn't find a dermoid cyst but they did see something else in my right ovary- a corpus luteum. In other words I had ovulated already or was just about to ovulate. It was only day 12 of my cycle and my OPK's had not shown anything! Aaaagh! The ultrasound technician said to me "You need to go home and have intercourse straight away". I had to laugh despite my concern that we may have missed our chance. While I was still lying there in a less-than-modest position she also said that my cycle obviously wasn't optimal for conception if I was spotting early and ovulating earlier than my OPK was showing. She suggested seeing a fertility specialist. I instantly thought back to my psychic appointment where I had been told that I may need assisted fertility treatments for one of my children. Needless to say I didn't take my time driving home after my appointment- ringing my husband from the parking lot before I left to make sure he was home. No complaints from him :-) So it's just fingers crossed now...I'll let you know how it goes.

The school of TTC: O-week and lessons learnt

O-week. This used to be the week of partying and fun for 'orientation' before university started. It didn't matter if it was your first year or Uni or not- you still joined in with all your friends.O-week has a whole new meaning now that we are trying to conceive. It's the week of OPK tests, careful monitoring of my BBT before I get up every morning and timed sex with my husband. It's nowhere near as fun as O-week at University- even with all the time in the bedroom! Things sure have changed since my studying days. The week of ovulation is a mixture of cautious excitement, stress about whether you're timing everything right and that other feeling that is difficult to describe- the one you have when you've failed before and think it will probably happen again. Trying to conceive each month is an unusual experience, especially if you're someone like me who has difficulty doing things that you know you're not good at. I hate feeling like there is nothing I can do. Usually, if I'm bad at something I try to approach it differently, develop new skills to do it better or get advice from people who are better than me. When you're trying to have a baby and it's not working there is not a lot you can do other than "cross your fingers and uncross your legs" as one of my friends politely put it. Doctors have similar advice- they just word it nicer- and you have to try and go on your merry way pretending you're actually enjoying the whole process. I feel like such a fraud when people ask me when I'm going to have kids and I make some off-hand comment about work and not being ready just yet.
I think rather than trying to change what is happening I need to work out what I can learn from it.So I'm going to finish this post with what I think I've gained out of this trying to conceive journey... 1) Better health- I'm definitely eating better, exercising more and sleeping better 2) Confirmation that my husband and I both want to be parents more than anything 3) Patience (although this is a work in progress!) 4) Time to think about how we want to raise our children 5) The knowledge that my husband and I can support each other during challenging times I know that we are so lucky to have everything that we do. Writing this blog is very therapeutic as it helps me to realise this fact and focus on the positives in my life so that I can be more grateful and feel less dejected each month. I am starting to learn that this is not so much an attempt to make egg meet with sperm but a personal journey that would be wasted if I don't see the opportunity for growth in myself and my relationship with my husband. Maybe trying to get pregnant is one of those revealations of character? A life challenge that tests who you are and how you can handle something that pushes you physically, mentally and spiritually? I think the longer I'm TTC the more I see it as a  journey of self. I believe- as Sir Edmund Hilary did after he had climbed Mt Everest- "It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves".

Predicting the future...

Do I make too many plans? Sometimes I think I do. I wish I could just 'go with the flow', 'take each day as it comes' and 'live for today' but my brain resists the uncertainty of it all. The doubt that maybe things won't work out OK in the end after all is ever-present in the deepest parts of me. I suppress these thoughts underneath the positive self-talk that some days just feels a tad forced. I got another Big Fat Negative (BFN) pregnancy test today. Another month bites the dust. I felt empty and sad and desperate and did something I never thought I would do. I had a psychic reading. Now I'm a bit of a skeptic. I think I'm pretty open-minded and have really seen the benefits in 'alternative' therapies such as acupuncture, chinese medicine, naturopathy and of course yoga and meditation, but a psychic reading was just a bit too far outside my comfort zone. So I'm not 100% sure what made me want to go ahead with it. The seed was planted in my mind by some ladies at work who often have psychic readings. My co-workers aren't the 'airy-fairy' alternative types and I started to think that it couldn't hurt. So I googled a lady who not only gave psychic readings but also taught yoga and a special fertility meditation class. I liked the sound of her and so booked a phone appointment today. It's been an hour or so since our phone call and I have to say I'm definitely glad I did it despite some last minute hesitations. Julia was lovely and although I still have some doubts in my mind I feel less desperate about the whole TTC journey. She was quite detailed- no vague statements- and so confident in her comments that I couldn't help but feel a type of reassurance. I was told that I had a baby boy waiting to come first- which made me tear up unexpectedly. Julia told me to think about the boy and even start to talk to him. He wouldn't come straight away but towards the end of this year depending on a few things. She thought I would have three children eventually- a boy, a girl and then a boy (or a girl with a "hell on wheels" energy).I won't go into all the details because there was so many but I took away the messages to try and relax, have fun, spend quality time with my husband and do the things we want to do while we can. I know there will be those of you who are seriously critical of this type of thing and to be honest if I was reading somebody else's blog and read this post I would be the same. But whatever my logical brain tells me I do feel calmer and happier than I did this morning. I have hope- and that's what makes the uncertain future a little bit easier to face...

Is this normal?

For those who don't like details about someone else's cycle please stop reading now. Ok, so this morning I had a small bleed.  I had no spotting overnight but stood up in the morning and had the sensation of bleeding that was quite quick. The bleed was bright red and probably about 15-20ml. It stopped immediately and I had a small amount of brown spotting during the day. Sigh. Why is this happening??? I'm not due for my period for another 9 days. The brown spotting happens every month and and the short red bleeds have occurred every few months. Is there something I should be doing? My acupuncturist did hint that my progesterone levels could be low and adjusted my herbal tea accordingly when I saw her last month. I try and ignore the spotting and just get on with my day but it is a constant reminder for nearly 2 weeks of the month that things maybe aren't quite right. It's been a bit stressful at home because my husband no longer has permanent work and I'm having to increase my workload to bring in a bit more money. It's a wet day outside and I feel like a nice warm bath but our hot water service has broken so it'll just have to be TV in some warm trackies (tracksuits). I feel a bit down after this post so I thought I'd finish with 10 things that make me happy to cheer me up a bit. They are: 1) my husband 2) my family 3) my friends 4) weekends 5) chocolate 6) my subscription magazine 7) my favourite TV shows 8) playing sport and exercising 9) the view outside our window 10) spending time in the garden. There, I'm smiling already :-)

The Two-Week Wait (2WW)

Aaaah my favourite time of the month. Not! Last week was our fertile period (at least I hope it was-LOL) and now the wait begins. Over the past 7 months I have 'experienced' just about every early pregnancy symptom there is. Metallic taste in the mouth. Check. Sore nipples. Check. Fatigue. Check. Nausea. Check. It really makes me question my sanity when I get a negative pregnancy result after all these fake symptoms. Am I just more aware of my body or is my mind creating symptoms to trick me? I experience spotting (brown to red) every month in the lead up to my period which makes it very confusing. Early on in the TTC journey I would think hopefully "Is this implantation spotting?" but this month when I got my first spot last night I didn't read anything into it. In fact my monthly spotting is one of those very frustrating things that nobody besides me and my acupuncturist seems to be concerned about. My Gynacologist and two GP's (general practitioners) have pretty much laughed off my concerns and told me to "relax". Pre-menstrual spotting seems to be a common occurance for women (based on my fertility degree from the Univeristy of Google) although I am concerned that it is mostly experienced by people trying to conceive. For some reason I get very irritable the day or so after I get my first sign of spotting...I think it's a combination of PMS and disappointment. I hope this month things are different but if they're not then we'll try again in March. I'm reading back over this post and know that the tone is different from my posts before ovulation. It is just more effortful to be positive at the moment. My acupuncturist was right when she said that contentment was hard to obtain and even harder to maintain. So I'm just going to accept I'm in a bit of a low spot at the moment and make sure I do things that I enjoy and that help me to relax. I'm going to keep up my exercise and yoga as well as continue to listen to the short meditation apps on my iPhone. I know there are so many people out there who are experiencing true hardship and distress and I think I'll focus on keeping them in my thoughts so that I can get out of my own head- so to speak. My favourite saying of all time is "Your perception is your reality"  and I know that I can see this experience however I choose to. Yes there will be peaks and troughs but I believe that my husband and I will have a family one day- in what ever way that means. On that note, I thought I'd share another saying that I have written on the whiteboard in my study that I have to remind me not to give up hope:

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end"

Acupuncture and chinese medicine

Mmmmmmm....I've just returned from my acupuncure appointment and I feel great :-) My acupuncturist is very caring and I always feel as if she is very focused on me for the whole session. I started acupuncture early on in the TTC journey and am really starting to feel the benefits in the past month. I am sleeping better, feel less anxious and am generally more content. For those of you who haven't been to an acupuncture session I thought I would give a brief overview. My appointment always starts with a short consultation where my pulse is taken and I give an update on how I've been going. On more than one occasion I am on the verge of tears at this point if I have just had my period and one time I did actually cry. It's hard when you don't talk about trying to get pregnant to anyone besides your partner and then someone asks you the question directly.Today I felt great- I'm ovulating according to my OPK and BBT and feel less stressed than I have in a long time. Anyway, after the short consultation I have around 30 minutes of acupuncture followed by 10 minutes or so of Chinese cupping on my back and a short neck and shoulder massage. I end the session by topping up on my chinese medicine powder mix- which I take morning and night as a hot tea. I gagged on the tea when I first started drinking it but now I actually like it! During my appointments the needles themselves aren't really a problem- they hurt a little at first but then I barely feel them. I usually read books while the needles are in as I can't don't relax very easily when I have nothing to do. Today was the first time I didn't feel like reading as much and so tried to focus on breathing deeply and getting the most out of the experience. I love the massage- even though the cups can be a little firm in places when my acupunturist moves them up and down my back. It feels good to be doing something positive for my health and fertility and I highly recommend it to anyone who hasn't experienced acupunture or any other eastern medicine before. When I told my acupuncturist I felt content today she was very pleased and said that "contenment is a hard feeling to find and an even harder feeling to maintain". I know there will be dips again in the road ahead but at the moment I'm enjoying the feeling I have :-)

Seeing the funny side of TTC

Over the past 7 months I have had many days of sadness and despair. The day or two leading up to my period I get particularly teary and when AF arrives for sure I usually have a good cry. I could probably keep it in if I tried but it generally feels better to let it all out. It's always hard to face the new month thinking that the rising hope and the disappointing lows may happen all over again. I honestly can't imagine how people do this for 1,2,3 or more years...I truly have respect for their strength and ability to bounce back again and again. I hate not knowing when it will happen for us but for some reason I feel more relaxed and positive this month than I have for a while. Tonight I'm watching FRIENDS repeats on TV as it always puts me in a better mood. Monica and Chandler are trying to get pregnant and it is making me look at some of the wackiness of TTC in a more humerous way. I'm smiling at the recollection that I really didn't want to start charting my BBT because I thought that the thermometer went somewhere other than my mouth! I'm also remembering the time at work when I needed to check my LH levels with a OPK and realised I didn't have a urine collection cup. I had to hide my giggles as I tried to use the empty OPK packet as a replacement! I try not to laugh when I'm in one of the many akward positions my husband has seen me in trying to keep my legs in the air after baby-dancing. Buying pregnancy tests at the same time as tampons is also a bit funny as well when I really think about it- although I always cringe at the time. Overall, the TTC journey is definitely a roller-coaster but I'm hoping to look at the process in a more humorous light in an effort to stay positive and see the funny side in it all. I thought I'd end this post with a little joke to hopefully make you smile:

How many TTC couples does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Screw in a lightbulb? Hmmmm....do you think it would help?

;-)

A healthy mind and body

I'm feeling pretty positive today. I've decided that this month I'm really going to focus on being healthier and hopefully more relaxed. I'm going to exercise at least 5 days per week if possible...Mondays will be WiiFit, Tuesday will be Basketball, Wednesdays will be Yoga, and Thursdays will be running. Another run/yoga session on the weekend will round out the week. I'm also going to try meditating as often as I can. I've downloaded some relaxation music on my iphone and will start with an acheiveable length of time to start off with- maybe 3-5 minutes. I've tried meditation in the past and just can't seem to 'get it'. I know you're not supposed to TRY and relax...you just have to be mindful of your breath and all the rest. It's just so boring! My mind does not slow down or switch off easily and after 5 or 6 inhalations and exhalations my mind wanders to what I need to do on the way home/do at work tomorrow/my face is itchy etc. Visuals seem to help and I enjoy stories that allow my mind to focus on details. I figure that regular practice is likely to improve my ability to meditate; and maybe one day I'll even look love it! Anyway, I'm also trying to drink more water and reduce my sugar intake (I have a huge sweet tooth so this will be hard). So that's the plan. I'm not going to be too strict because- let's face it- additional pressure is counter-productive. I'm going to have a few wines at a friend's birthday this weekend and eat some cake if I really feel like it. It's not the perfect plan but an all organic, sugar free, low-fat diet just isn't realistic and I figure that a relatively healthy diet with a few treats is the best approach for me. I've been for my run tonight and have a cup of water beside my laptop while I type this post. Before bed I'm going to listen to a short meditation. Sending out positive thoughts to all on the TTC journey. Namaste :-)

Valentines Day

It's interesting that trying to create a family starts with "making love" and a "we'll see how it goes" attitude and soon turns into perfectly planned baby-making efforts. A few months after we started the more flexible approach I grew impatient and- like everything else in my life- felt the need to have some control over the situation. "OK, all I need to do is work out how to do it better" I thought. I thought I was 'in-tune' with my relative regular cycle and figured that the feeling I had that I probably ovulated about a week after my period ended would be sufficient. I had a rough idea that a 28 day cycle should mean ovulation around the 14 day mark but other than that I was naively optimistic that it would all work out pretty easily. After all, I hadn't known anybody with fertility problems (or so I thought) and heard lots of stories about my friends and co-workers getting pregnant after only one or two months. "This will be easy" I told myself. Deep down I worried that it might not be so simple but brushed these thoughts aside in an effort to be positive. Fast forward a few months and its surprising how quickly BBT's, cervical mucous (CM) , cervix position, OPK's and specific details about my cycle have become a part of my day to day life. I would have flushed with embarrassment if somebody had have asked me about the colour of my AF or the viscocity of my CM but now I don't even bat an eyelid when my acupuncturist asks for these details (acupuncture info for another blog post). I'm sure there are others out there who have also developed a new vocabulary and are suddenly mini-experts in their luteal/follicular phases and know all the early pregnancy symptoms off by heart as we look for any sign in that two week wait (2WW). This Valentine's Day has made me pause and reflect on what this is all about- love. The love between my husband and I and the love we have for our future child/ren. I hope if you are reading this you also pause for a moment and give your partner a hug and kiss and tell them that you love them. They may look at you suspiciously and think you must be ovulating but trust me- you'll feel better. Happy Valentine's Day :-)

A new day...

Hi. If you're reading this blog I imagine you are also trying to conceive. I'm 7 months in. For some that may seem like a short time and for others 7 months may be longer than they would like to take to get pregnant. 7 months ago I was full of excitement and ready for the positive pregnancy test within a few weeks of trying. Maybe 2 or 3 months tops! But, it hasn't happened that way. The past 7 months have felt like a whole lot longer and I feel the need to take a fresh outlook. That's why I'm writing this blog. I have struggled to keep my feelings and experiences so private when all I want is to ask- is this NORMAL!!! I don't want this blog to be a depressing rant about how unfair it is that everyone seems to be falling pregnant around me but rather a tool to help me focus my feelings and stay positive. I found it very fitting that when attempting to come up with a creative "trying to conceive" (TTC)  blog name I entered "trying" into the thesaurus and was presented with the possible word options: annoying, tiresome, irritating, wearisome, difficult, frustrating and demanding! I couldn't have said it better myself! I hope you join me on this journey and I will keep you posted about the first 7 months as well as the future as my husband and I try to conceive our family :-)